Warm Bottles & Hot Flashes

2009-06-22T21:15:00.002-05:00

I miss my sis.

It's not you, it's me...

2009-06-02T21:07:00.007-05:00

I’ve hit a period of malaise and it’s lasted longer than I thought it would. April is the anniversary month of Josh’s diagnosis. It seems that I slow down every April. It was such a time of helplessness and uncertainty. It was the beginning of the end of what was, up to that point, the best part of my life.

Spring comes and I seem to hit an icy patch. Not that I don’t have fun or neglect the most important things in my life. But I tend to drop a lot of extras and let a lot of projects slide.

I regret not blogging in a while because, in my head, I’ve had a lot to talk about.

So, I’m going to try to play catch-up.

Here is a quick synopsis of April:

It started with tubes for Danny’s ears. It was an emotional event because Danny’s surgery was scheduled just days before the anniversary of Josh’s diagnosis. I sat in a sedation room much like the one I sat in with Josh countless times holding him until he was completely under. I never got over the powerful feeling of seeing my child become completely lifeless in a matter f seconds. I never had a worry about Danny’s safety because I knew the doctors and this hospital well. But holding little Danny and looking into his trusting eyes just before he went under the anesthesia took me back to a place I wasn’t prepared to go. The photo is of the Child Life Specialist working with Danny before the operation to get him comfortable with the mask. He looks so vulnerable in his little hospital jammies.

On Easter Sunday, I took a brighter trip down memory lane when Gracie wore a dress my mother made for me over forty years ago. Danny looked pretty dapper, to in his little boy outfit. Here’s an attempt at a family photo …what can you do…

We celebrated Gordon’s birthday by heading about two hours out of town to spend a couple days in Lake City. We visited the coolest toy store ever and rode their hand carved carousel. We introduced the kids to mini-golf at their little course. Gracie loved the water and Danny never let go of his ball. He very seriously put it into each hole and quickly retrieved it. The next day, we visited the Eagle Center and spent time with some beautiful bald eagles who are unable to survive in the wild. We learned that an eagle can spot a mouse in the grass two football fields away. When we told Gracie that it is forbidden to take Bald Eagle feathers, she very seriously gathered the downy feathers in the aviary and gave them back to the eagles.

We spent time on the water and watched the sun rise over the lake each morning. A stop at “Flat Pennies” Ice Cream and we were on our way home.

A sweet friendship is developing between Danny and Gracie. I love watching them play. Here are a few pictures of the two of them being baby birds in their nests.

On April 23, Danny became a legal member of our family. I assumed the court hearing would be a formality: a legal maneuver to check off the list. However, when Gordon and I had to raise our right hands and swear to care for and love our boy with all our hearts and give him best opportunities in life I almost lost it. As parents, we rarely state out loud the commitment we make to our children for the rest of our lives. To actually state these words for all the world to hear was an incredibly moving experience. Naturally, we celebrated in grand family tradition by heading to our neighborhood bakery and indulging ourselves!

April can’t go by without a few showers and since we’re in the middle of a drought, we had to make our own showers. There’s no one better than a kid to get soaked in style.

And on that note, I’m only a month behind and 25 minutes past my bed time. I’ll leave you with one last shot brought to you by PBS Kids. After watching an episode of Curious George in which he makes a spider web out of string and tape, Gracie endeavored to do the same. I think her result is pretty impressive. She even caught a real live ant. If you look closely you can see where all my missing spatulas have gone.

Oh wait! I have one last photo for April: my two sweet puppies lapping up water from their doggie dishes!

Finally!!

2009-04-01T21:05:00.006-05:00

It's been awhile, but I've been busy. At least I can cross one thing off the list: my bathroom shower project is finally finished. I think it's OK for a first try...

APRIL FOOLS!

The truth is that we have a new pet and it's HUGE - we spend all our time feeding it!

APRIL FOOLS!!

Gotcha!

Memory lane...

2009-03-20T21:04:00.005-05:00

Our pediatrician's office called today. The big corporate conglomerate HMO building including the Ped's waiting room is being remodelled. They're looking for some pictures for the new space. When Gracie was born I started a tradition of taking a picture of her with our favorite pediatrician at each landmark visit. The office asked if I'd send them the pictures for possible display. I had fun taking a trip down memory lane gathering these together. I thought you might enjoy them, too.

Gracie - 1 week

Gracie - three months

Gracie - six months

Gracie - nine months

Gracie - One Year

Gracie - Fifteen Months

Gracie - Two Years

Gracie - Three Years

Danny - One Year

Danny - Eighteen Months

The State of the Union...

2009-03-08T20:27:00.003-05:00

For all enquiring minds: yes we are still married. Fortunately hair does grow back and with a little tapering, a little mascara, one can hardly tell the carnage that occurred last week.

I must say that the increased readership of my blog, the number of comments and e-mails seemed like a bit of an undeserved reward. While I truly feel bad about wrecking Gordon’s hair, the attention I received has me pondering what royal screw-up I could broadcast next with similar results. But rest assured there will be no malice aforethought. I am perfectly capable of making unplanned mistakes on a regular basis.

As Gordon joked, his ordeal was actually a public service. It appears that quite a few spouses (mostly wives) cut their significant other’s hair. Many dread just the mistake I made and one couple has actually implemented precautionary measures. These steps, which bear repeating, are to have the cuttee oil the blades and affix the proper blade attachment. Then and only then does the cutter begin the haircut.

The State of the Family

Aside from battling colds which were no doubt picked up on our little get-away to the Wisconsin Dells, we’re doing well.

We took a trip after a great visit with the International Adoption Clinic. The Doctor was very impressed with Danny’s new found shyness. During the previous visit three months ago Danny was approaching all the doctors in the room and engaging them. This time as soon as the team entered the exam room Danny crawled into my lap and hugged me like a baby koala bear. He peered cautiously at the newcomers and never let go of me. Our doctor declared him a changed kid.

This change has only occurred recently. I’d say that over the last couple of months Danny has begun to relate to us as his family. He no longer seems to be shopping for a new family. Mind you this does not mean that he doesn’t engage others. He knows how to play the cute card and as long as someone keeps his or her distance Danny will flirt shamelessly. But when someone he doesn’t know approaches him he looks at them like they’re crazy and without taking his eyes off of them, he slowly backs up toward Gordon or my legs and hangs on tight.
We have gone almost nowhere during our first six months as a family. We’ve clung religiously to our routine. Finally during our visit to the clinic we were given the green light to stretch our wings.

So we got outta Dodge. We packed up and headed to the Great Wolf Lodge for some water fun and relaxation. We all had a blast. On our doctor’s recommendation we still adhered rigidly to our schedule and took along familiar food and books. I think this paid off. Danny was relaxed during our entire trip. I was worried that staying in a hotel and sleeping in a pack-n-play like he did in Guatemala might make him anxious. But he was just fine.

State of the State

Our part of the world is slowly thawing out. This past week the kids headed out in the puddles for some fresh air. We weren’t outside long as the water was freezing and the cold went right through our puddle boots. But spring is in the air – sort of anyway.

My Bad...

2009-03-02T18:00:00.009-06:00

OK – you’re going to see this coming as soon as I start to tell the story. I’ll begin by saying that I’ve tried to spin this numerous ways in my head and I can’t come up with anything that can possibly exonerate me.

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Let me run them past you just in case: both kids were screaming. Danny was hanging on my legs like a ball and chain. Gracie was bouncing off the walls banging into everyone. The entire family was in the bathroom. And this whole thing was Gordon’s idea to begin with. Nope. These aren’t going to cut it.

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So here’s the deal: Last summer, to save money we invested in a home razor kit. Gordon wanted me to start cutting his hair as he was sick of paying salon prices for a very basic haircut with a razor. So for the price of about two haircuts, we invested in a razor complete with the little apron thingy, an instructional video and even a free comb as a bonus!

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I have experience in entrusting my hair to someone else. A dear friend colors my hair. Before she slathered the first dose of 5N on my roots we made a pact that any mistakes or disasters would have no bearing on our friendship. Fortunately because of this precedent, Gordon and I entered into the same pact.

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So Sunday afternoon Gordon sat down in the bathroom with the little apron thingy draped over his shoulders. We reviewed the length of the blade attachment that I would be using: 5/8”. Then I proceeded to give him one of the best haircuts I’ve given him to date.

Except…yes there is an “except”…for the first pass up the back of his head. Did I mention that both kids were screaming and Danny was dragging on one of my legs? After the first pass I commented that his hair must have gotten really long because the razor cut off a lot of hair. Then I stared at the razor in horror realizing that I had forgotten to clip on the blade attachment. I had basically cut a swath of hair down to the scalp right up the middle of Gordon’s head. At first it was funny, and then it wasn’t funny at all. Perhaps when the hair grows back it will be funny again.

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I told Gordon that from now on I’d have a check-list to make sure everything was in order. He jokingly commented that there would only be one item on the check-list. I Googled “How to fix a bad haircut.” There was talk of returning to the person who cut it in the first place and also one listing for proceeding with a lawsuit.

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Luckily, Gordon is a very good sport and he’s still living with us. Or more appropriately I should say, I’m still living with him!

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He now owns two hoodie sweatshirts and will be wearing them regularly for the next week or so.

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So there you have it – unless any of you can bail me out...my bad – really, really, really bad!

Sleepy Time...

2009-02-27T22:48:00.006-06:00

Surreal.....

2009-02-27T22:31:00.005-06:00

Splash!

2009-02-26T21:41:00.003-06:00

Wheeeeee!!!!!

2009-02-25T20:08:00.006-06:00

Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!

2009-02-24T13:58:00.002-06:00

The end of an era...

2009-02-17T19:41:00.005-06:00

This is the post that has been holding me up for three weeks. First I had to go back seven years to find the picture of Josh. Next I had to go back two years to find the picture of Gracie. Finally, I had to overcome inertia. So here it is, the end of an era:
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Please allow me to kick this off with a complaint: Whatever happened to clothes for kids? Because I’m such a thrift shop/rummage sale junkie and because we’re very fortunate to receive a lot of hand-me-downs I rarely head to the retail stores to buy new clothes for the kids. But when I do I’m often dismayed at the grown-up styles, especially for girls. I’ve seen halter tops for toddlers, underpants for a three year old that more closely resemble thongs than anything in my underwear drawer and impossibly low-cut hip hugger pants.
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And what’s with all the writing and logos? Why does everything have to have a brand plastered all over it?
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Whatever happened to a nice plan sweater that could be worn by a boy or a girl?
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Whatever happened to a sweet off white fleece top with light blue stitching and a little leather snowflake patch? The answer to the last question is that we have it. We’ve had it for eight years. I bought it from a woman whose three boys had worn it. All my kids have worn it and it’s still going strong.
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There’s a slight possibility that Danny will wear this again next year, but chances are it will be retiring with the spring thaw. It’s held up so well, maybe I’ll see it again on one of my grandchildren.
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In the meantime, here’s a trip down memory lane with one of my favorites. You’ll notice that one of my kids’ favorite things is the built in teether!

Josh: December 2001

Gracie: February 2007

Danny: January 2009

A Good Day

2009-01-19T21:27:00.002-06:00

Today was a good day. A holiday: Martin Luther King, Jr. day. To top it off, the sun was shining and temperatures were nearly 20 degrees. There were light snow flurries all day long with huge snowflakes drifting down. It was as if we were in a snow globe. As Gracie and I ventured out to run some errands we could actually feel the warmth of the sun on our skin.

As we headed to one of our destinations the “I Have a Dream” speech came on the radio. Even more then usual, it gave me chills. The promissory note is finally about to pay some dividends, a change is in the wind. I felt happy, happy, happy.

And judging from the smiles my little errand companion and I received it seemed as if the whole city was on the same wavelength. People were looking me directly in the eye and smiling at me. And they weren’t just generic smiles. Everyone who smiled at me gave me that smile that seems to indicate that we have a shared reason to be happy. They smiled at me like we were both in on a delightful secret.

How could it be, I wondered, that everyone was in the same happy place as me? What kind of delightful synchronicity was taking place?

Then I looked down and I remembered.

It was a warm day, and I wasn’t going to begin to venture a wardrobe confrontation. So this is who was at my side all day. And this was what gave us all something extra to smile about.

The Ultimate in Avoidance Behavior....or....

2009-01-18T22:11:00.008-06:00

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!?

I just heard a quote on the radio today. I think from F. Scott Fitzgerald: "You don’t take a trip, a trip takes you. "

I can relate.

Our upstairs bathroom, circa 1970 is small but has all the necessary ingredients: sink, toilet and shower/tub. The tub surround is some sort of rumpley vinyl paneling. Poor ventilation combined with my lackadaisical commitment to housework resulted in a rather unsightly caulk situation.

This summer we (Gordon and my dad) installed a powerful ceiling fan which rectified the ventilation problem. Then as if destiny was tapping me on the shoulder, I read an article in “Handyman Magazine” touting a new product: caulk softener. I was promised that one application of this miracle solvent would reduce the caulk to butter making it easily removable. Since we have another shower, I decided that I would decommission the upstairs tub and embark on a caulk removal project. I had visions of a fresh, sparkly, white bathing experience.

All this happened in between the scabies adventure and the as yet unforeseen herniated disk situation.

Armed with the miracle caulk softener and the best of intentions I went to work. The caulk softener worked…not at all. Plus I realized that the vinyl surround was not actually white anymore, but slightly yellow with numerous unsightly cracks. So, there I stood in the middle of the tub, surrounded by chunks of caulk, losing my will power.

In a subsequent conversation with my dad, the subject of tiling came up and shortly after that someone uttered the fateful phrase: “How hard can it be?” And to me, it sounded like a great alternative to caulk removal.

And so it came to pass that when my brother (a veteran tiler) came up for Christmas a decision was made that the ugly vinyl should be tiled over. Under the tree, a gift from my brother: his old tile cutter along with stern warnings to always wear safety glasses and never take my eyes off my fingers while the blade was running.

At first the plan was to rough up the old vinyl surface and tile over that. But my fear that all substances more then five years old contain asbestos and the fact that the drywall under the vinyl seemed a bit spongy meant we needed to move to Plan B: remove the vinyl, seal the drywall if necessary and tile.

Dad and bro removed the vinyl to reveal another wrinkle: the drywall beneath was significantly mildewed and water-stained. So the executive committee determined that I should remove the drywall.

Now my project was entering the realm of the ridiculous especially since “I” had not actually done any of the work to this point.

Fortunately, as word of my quandary leaked out to the neighborhood (read: I complained to anyone who would listen), I received a recommendation for a handyman. This wonderful person has very reasonable rates and is willing to indulge the homeowner by letting him or her “help”.

So after an initial consult, the project was once again a go. I learned that “demo” is what we call demolition. I volunteered to get the demo started. I was assigned the back wall which was not connected to any wallpaper or plumbing. A friend came over to help, and since there is really only room for one person in the tub area and she is taller than me, I still had very little ownership in the project. But all that changed when our Handyman let me drive a couple screws into reinforcing studs using a really cool tool called an “impact drill.” I am now officially “on the job!”

Throughout much of this, Danny has been watching with rapt attention. I am relatively certain that if he gets his hands on an impact drill, we will have numerous screws driven into our upstairs walls all at about the two foot level.

So, now you are officially on the trip with me. I’ll keep you posted – we’ll see where it takes us.

And now a few Danny Facts:

He can sign: diaper change; more; eat; sleep; and done. (There are two signs for done, actually: one approved by ASL and the other consisting of hurling food and cutlery.)

He can say “Bye-bye”; diaper: “Bia-puh” and Mmm-mmm which either means – “Nope, not gonna do it” or “yum, this is delicious.”

Danny is the youngest of our three to consistently “cough and cover”. However, his cover consists of jamming his fist into his mouth while coughing and then applauding his excellent hygiene by clapping with his drooly hands. Still, I’m impressed.

Here are a few pictures of some joyful moments of playtime at our house during our week in the deep-freeze during which we stayed below zero degrees for four days in a row.

Waiting to inflate the "bouncy room" ...head, shoulders, knees and toes...

Eyes and ears and a mouth and a nose...

Gracie wears her Clifford costume under her snake costume

There are no words for this!

A heartwarming brother/sister moment

How all photo shoots end: Danny wants, make that needs the camera!

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming:

2009-01-13T20:33:00.005-06:00

I’ve been away for a while. Things have been happening that would be complaints if I didn’t feel lucky to be dealing with all of it together as a family.

I had great blogging plans. I wanted to talk about Josh around the anniversary of his death on December 13. I wanted to capture all of our holiday celebrations. I had great shots of Danny on his first Christmas at home. I had many thoughts on the New Year and even a foray into the world of reality TV.

But life got in the way.

Danny flunked his hearing test about five weeks ago due to fluid filled ears. A subsequent visit to the doctor revealed an ear infection. No sooner was the last dose of amoxicillin administered then we learned that Gordon’s persistent leg pain was due to a herniated disk. He had surgery three weeks ago. Recovery meant not lifting anything heavier then a milk carton. This includes: kids, trash, the vacuum, snow among other things.

It was during this time that Gracie had a major relapse in potty training. She couldn’t be bothered. One night I noticed she was soaked while she was doing some coloring. I asked her where the puddle was. Without looking up or pausing in her work she said: “It’s around the corner, you’ll see it.”

Just as the dust began to settle, I noticed a small white bump behind one of Danny’s front baby teeth. The next day it was bigger and I thought it was a tooth coming in wrong. Our regular dentist probed it and it was soft, not a tooth. But while he hadn’t seen anything like it, he wasn’t worried. Both our pediatrician and I decided we should take Danny to a pediatric dentist. We saw fabulous Dr. Dan with the giant plastic toy teeth today. He diagnosed a congenital abnormality of the hard gum tissue. He agreed this was nothing to worry about. It will probably go away when his adult teeth come in. In the meantime we’ve found a great new dentist for the kids. We also learned that every tooth that could be coming in was coming in simultaneously.

Poor kid.

But Gordon’s now been upgraded to 20 pounds; Gracie is back in the proverbial saddle and I’ve stopped prying Danny’s mouth open every 20 minutes so I feel we’re back on track.Rather then trying to catch up on the back log, I’m going to start from where we are right now. Here are a few pictures from the first couple weeks of ’09.

The first day of 2009 - Happy New Year!

Our New Year's Visitor: An albino squirrel

Building a "Camp Fire"

A morning ritual: Danny climbes into Gracie's bed and wakes her up. This is the happy result about 25% of the time. On the other 75%, Gracie burrows deeper under the covers and yells: "Take Danny away!"

What else are you going to do when the temperature is 15 below zero?

Some indoor fun. First carousel ride - not too sure!

One of my knitting projects. It's big because I'm making a matching one with a blue background for Danny for next year.

Gracie, Danny and "Big Bow-wow" enjoying Gracie's prize for FINALLY being completely potty trained!!

The boy loves his baths! If you look closely, you can see the white bump behind the lower tooth on the right side of the photo.

Oooh C'est Chouette

2008-12-10T22:17:00.006-06:00

I confess I’m a bargain maniac. There’s an irresistible thrift shop in our neighborhood that Gracie and I scrounge regularly. The fact that all proceeds go to an excellent cause is the tipping point that gives me permission to go nuts every time we visit.

With the addition of another child to our household and the requisite influx of additional plastic crap, I’ve exercised a bit more restraint of late. I’ve deliberately stayed away from their “Merry Thriftmas” because I am very tempted by Christmas decorations. But a while back, the pull was too strong and Gracie and I made our first foray of the holiday season.

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We found a reindeer for Gracie and a soft moose for Danny. Gracie set them up on a date that very night!

Gracie also found a red velvet dress with faux fur trim and a matching hat. I started to stress out when she wore it during lunch and dinner, worrying that it might not survive too many washings. Then I reminded myself that it cost $3.99 and all would not be lost if I let Gracie live in the moment. As you can see from the pictures below, she insisted not only in living in the moment, but sleeping in it as well…

We also found an adorable snow suit for Danny. It was made in France. (Oooh La La!) The design depicts a couple woodland animals in a snow storm with the accompanying phrase: “Oooh C’est Chouette.” A check on Babelfish.com told me that this means: “oh the owl” which seemed a bit strange. So I contacted a friend who is fluent in French and has spent serious time in France. She told me that the phrase is common slang to mean: “Oooh so cute!” And I have to say, I agree!

I found a few nice outfits for Danny including one pictured below that Gordon deemed to be completely “dorky.” But we both agree that while it would no doubt be dorky on either Gordon or myself, on Danny it is: Oooh C’est Chouette.

Tardy and waffling...

2008-12-08T19:58:00.003-06:00

I have composed so many posts in my head and none of them have made it any further of late.
Some time ago, I was tagged and now I’m so late in responding that I’ve no one left to tag myself. I may remain “it” for quite some time!
I need to catch up on a few light-hearted posts before I get serious later in the week. So here goes the first one.
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I’d like to say that my delay in posting was because I couldn’t figure out technically how to respond to the “tagging.” I was asked to post the fourth picture from my fourth album. Of course, I tried to figure out a way to honor the rules and still come off looking good. But none of my options were all that great. But on the bright side, they brought back great memories and feature me with three completely different “looks!”
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OK: If I go to “my” albums under my name, there are a lot of miscellaneous photos because I don’t archive photos in my file. I only move them there when I need to use them for another purpose. But here’s the fourth photo from the fourth album. It’s a very pregnant me (one week before my due date), with Leo, a kid I tutored during his eighth and ninth grade years. We had just finished his “History Days” project. It was a labor of love for both of us; a lot of hard work that paid off. I met Leo less than a year after Josh died. As with all volunteer work, I got far more out of this relationship than I put in. At a time when many people were nervous about asking about Josh, Leo was a breath of fresh air. He asked questions with out censoring himself. One of the most amazing things this twelve year old boy said to me was: “I’ve never been in such a joyful house!” Hearing this in the depths of the first year of my grief was one of the most uplifting things I remember from that year. Here we are:

Next: I really began organizing “albums” with the birth of Grace. Finally I was putting things in chronological order and adding captions. So perhaps this is where I should pull the fourth picture from the fourth album. Here we are in Gracie’s fourth month. This is a picture from Labor Day in the park. It was one of our first picnic adventures. Interestingly enough, I saw a boy in the park in the distance who looked familiar even from far away and it turned out to be my friend Leo. What a nice tie-in. There were far better pictures from this day, but only this one was number four. Witness both Gracie and me with our baby fat!
Finally: we entered the digital age in 2003 a couple of months before Josh died. After he died, I spent a lot of time loading photos and scanning other pictures. So really, the first set of albums was recorded under Josh’s name. The fourth one from the fourth album is below. This was taken about five weeks after Josh’s diagnosis. It would have been shortly after he finally got out of the hospital after three major surgeries and two rounds of chemotherapy. The first couple months of Josh’s treatment were very rough and it was the only time in his life when we didn’t see his smile on a daily basis. It was hard to see him so depressed, but soon his natural indomitable spirit won the day and he was joyful and happy and without serious pain for the rest of his life. Interestingly enough, this photo was taken in my parents’ home. Two years ago we bought the house from them. It is a wonderful reminder that the house we’re living in today has many memories of all of our children.

So my three nominees for “fourth of fourth” are above. You choose!

A night out...

2008-11-20T22:07:00.002-06:00

I went to the symphony last night. It was a delightful, relaxing evening.

Sitting on one side of me was a boy, probably about nine or ten. Next to him was a woman, probably his mother – maybe his grandmother. I know better then to jump to conclusions.

About twenty minutes in, the boy gave a completely silent, but much exaggerated yawn and did a little fidgeting. The woman snapped her head around to look at him.

I was expecting an equally silent, but furious “shushing” gesture or some kind of admonishment. Instead, she smiled at him in an incredibly sweet loving and understanding way. Honestly, it was so obvious to me, a total stranger, how much she loved this boy. It took my breath away. She was still putting him on notice that he needed to settle down. But in her look was the complete understanding of what it was to be a nine-year-old boy having to try to sit still through a concert, and how much she loved him for who he was.

Such a simple, beautiful gesture reminded me that the underlying message of unconditional love is the most important thing we can communicate to our kids. I want my kids to know that they can turn to me for love, even in a moment of chaos or anger and find it instantly. Mozart’s Jupiter Symphony was lovely, but that mother’s smile is a lesson I’ll remember forever.

For every season...

2008-11-08T21:32:00.011-06:00

For some reason I still don’t fully understand, (probably temporary insanity) I decided to potty train Gracie in the midst of the scabies adventure. Logically I suppose, I figured a few more loads of laundry here and there wouldn’t make much difference.

I know I waited too long. I’d heard so many stories of kids waking up one morning and casting aside diapers never to look back. I was hoping this lucky scenario would happen in our household. Alas, it was not to be. Each time I tried, Gracie was emphatic about not being ready, not being interested, needing to stay in diapers. Then our Guatemala trip was on the horizon and the vision of trying to find bathrooms in emergency situations scared me. So I waited until now to take the plunge.

Things were rocky in the first week, but now Gracie is doing a great job. I could tell you stories, believe me. I could tell you about Gracie proudly sloshing down the stairs with her morning output in the little potty bowl – informing us over splashes that she stayed dry all night only to be soaked by the time she reached the bottom of the stairs. I could tell you about a particularly well aimed, hurled toy from Danny that landed in a very unfortunate spot just as we were all exclaiming at a monumental accomplishment.

But this post is about an unexpected discovery I made about myself during this process. Maybe it was me who wasn’t ready.

During that first rather horrific week, I did some research in between loads of laundry. One recommendation from Dr. Sears was not to equate potty training with being a “big girl” when there’s a new baby in the house. Sometimes, being bigger isn’t always better. When a new little one is on the scene, handing over the “baby” spot isn’t all that appealing.

I started to think about what goes into a diaper change. There’s the obvious which I’m sure none of you need to be reminded about. But then there’s also the little break from the day: just the two of us. There’s no sharing of this moment. We hunker down, faces less then three feet apart. Between the pair of us, one needs help; the other is there to give it. There’s physical contact, perhaps a kiss on the foot, maybe a tickle or two. There’s a bit of conversation, the wonderful feeling of being clean and fresh, and a hug and off you go.

Am I ready to say goodbye to that little girl? When week one was over and Gracie was staying dry through the night, I peeked in on her before going to bed as usual. Suddenly she looked a little more grown up. I felt a pang for her, for me. I could see a bit of the past fading into memory.

I went to bed that night and cried. So much has changed for Gracie in such a short time. She’s a very determined little girl. Usually, things swing her way. But she can’t stop growing up. She can’t go back to being the baby of the family.

Things are right with the world. We have the family we’re supposed to have. I’m grateful every day for the five of us. But as always happens with the addition of another child, the older one didn’t get a vote – her spot in the center of the universe now must be shared, and sometimes seems to have been ceded altogether.

Gracie will be fine. So will I. But some nights I still go to bed and cry.

Here are a few moments from the Gracie play book. Some of the moments I treasure most.

Some art work from Gracie. Two are hers alone, one is a collaboration between her and daddy. I'll let you figure out which is which...

"A green caterpillar"

"Mice eating"

"Pelican eating an eel"

My determined girl... The more I emphasize that Gracie needs to stay in bed, the less likely she is to stay there. This first one came after a particularly heated discussion about the need to stay in bed. Well...since she's sleeping in the "bedside table" technically I guess she's within the law. Her closet is another favorite retreat

Finally, a picture of Gracie taking care of herself after a very "serious" injury.

Half in, half out of her bee costume.

Gracie's "sets" are infamous around our house. We don't know why she calls them sets. But a cry heard daily is "Get Danny away, he's ruining my set!!" Here are a few...

My personal favorite: the Potato Heads break into the doll house.

Finally, Gracie's new talent as a big sister is under construction. Here are a few moments with baby brother preparing for Halloween...

Misc...

2008-10-30T22:37:00.007-05:00

I don’t understand. I will never understand. I thought I would avoid it this time; after all they were all going in together.

But still…

Where do they go? How can they get away without me noticing?

After the scabies eradication, we have socks without partners. All those little guys above went into the washing machine with their buddies, but came out alone.

So they’ll go in the bag with all the other socks without partners languishing in the laundry room. Which leads me to the next deep question: Why do I keep these wayward socks around? Does it say something about my psyche that I’m certain that the day I toss a sock its lost love will show up only to be disappointed?

Oh well…

There are a few other miscellaneous items of note around here. And not to worry, I’ve got a few pictures of actual people to catch you up with what’s been going on.

We’re at three weeks out from the Scabies and still Danny’s rash has only been reduced by about half. I keep reminding myself that the doctor at the International Adoption Clinic (IAC) cautioned us that it could be weeks if not months before all the bumps went away.

But things are complicated by the fact that our pediatrician adamantly insisted that Danny’s rash is not scabies but a dry skin rash. She didn’t deny the diagnosis, but feels the remaining bumps are a dry skin rash. The remedy for this we’re told is gooping on Aquaphor over a layer of hydrocortisone 1% solution. Our pediatrician even went as far as to say that she’d bet the IAC $100 that Danny’s rash wasn’t scabies.

Doctor's Orders

What’s a parent to do? The doctor from the IAC assures us that the goopy treatment will not interfere with the scabies healing, but she’s just as adamant about the bumps being “classic” scabies. She did caution against using the hydrocortisone any longer then about 10 days in a row. However our clinic says to use the hydrocortisone indefinitely on the bumpy areas.

I’m at a loss. I just want this poor kid to be comfortable and for his skin to clear up. I try not to worry about a scabies relapse. (But if it happens, I’ll give you some insider trading information about investing in laundry detergent stocks before I go out and replenish my supply.) Every now and then in the middle of the night I feel an itch and I’m sure those pesky bugs are back.
I’ve decided to wait another week and if there’s no further change, I’m going to start making calls to get to the bottom of this. If I have to get our two doctors into the ring together, I’ll do it for poor Danny’s sake.

In the meantime…

We’re battling a pest of another kind. For about as long as the scabies have been around, we’ve been trying to catch a mouse (mice!?!) that have left obvious clues behind. Thankfully they’ve never left a trace in our kitchen (which I would think would be paradise for a mouse given our food slinging little boy.) But every night, Gordon sets about two dozen traps and so far, we haven’t caught a thing.

Honestly, we are not slovenly people! What’s with all these pests?

Lately, very few friends have been stopping by for visits. I’m trying not to believe that it’s because they’re worried about catching something, or being caught by something!

Today when the kids and I were in the back yard, I found what looked like an obvious mouse tunnel under our back stoop. Traps are set outside and in tonight, and maybe tomorrow we’ll get lucky. If not, please send me any mouse eradication tips you have!

And now on to some pictures of much more pleasant little ones running around our house…

Most of the time, he really cracks her up! Or maybe she's just laughing about four more singlton socks!

Ready for winter!

Ensemble by Gracie. That's the border of a foam tile sticking out of Danny's back.

A couple more weeks and they should have these all bagged!

Make a wish!

Gracie has elevated her penguin so Danny can't get to it.

This is cute on so many levels. But my favorite is what you can barely see. Gracie dressed herself and she chose this dress to put on over a white fleece pull-over and white corduroy pants.

Danny gets a start on his memiors

Eight Days and the Beat Goes On....

2008-10-11T20:34:00.008-05:00

10/03/08: From this....

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To This...

("Apply head to toe; rinse with water after 8 - 14 hours." Benadryl as needed for itching.)

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10/04/08: To this....

(Gracie's Closet)

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To this....

(Our Closet)

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To This...

(All clothes...stuffed animals...dress up...puppets, bagged - twenty-two 45 gallon hefty bags in all)

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To This....

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10/06/08: To This...

(Danny sleeping on my back while I do...guess what: laundry!)

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To This...

(All bagged things that can't be washed, must remain bagged for at least 2 weeks.)

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10/08/08: To This...

(Washing Machine gives up; one day and $230 later, it is fixed!)

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To This...

(Jackpot in the dryer vent. My take: $17.00)

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To This...

(Started with a brand new bottle.)

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Meanwhile...This!!

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10/11/08: Now all I need is a little more of this!

EEEEWW!!!!!

2008-10-03T22:13:00.007-05:00

No – nothing gross about this one – a little chocolate never hurt anyone

This certainly doesn’t offend, what’s cuter then a kid who’s just learned how to empty a sippy cup?

After you realize this is not a scene from "Nightmare on Elm Street", but rather the end result of a chocolate raspberry pudding pie that Gracie and I made, this isn’t so bad either
.

Now this is what I’m talking about.

That’s right, one last gift that keeps on giving from the Eagle’s Nest : Scabies!! Yuck!!

Danny has been itchy and rashy since the day we brought him home. At first I thought it was just dry bumpy skin. So did our doctor.

After a couple weeks she had us treat it more aggressively with hydrocortisone and anti-itch cream plus a super-duper moisturizer.

Still, no resolution… Then I read an article about Scabies in the New York Times. The article talked about how often they’re mis-diagnosed when someone living in a group home type setting comes by them honestly if you know what I mean.

I asked our doctor, she and a colleague looked at the rash and said it was definitely not Scabies.

Fortunately we had an appointment at the adoption clinic this week also. One look from across the room and the doctor diagnosed Scabies. She said that while she’s seen it hundreds of times, most pediatricians have never seen this in American kids. It is very frequently misdiagnosed.

What does that mean for us? We’re all slathered with “kill-cream” as I speak. Tomorrow we shower and then the laundry begins. EVERYTHING has to be washed. Stuffed animals, bedding, clothes…everything. There are three ways to kill these nasty beasties: hot water wash followed by a hot dryer; freeze for 24 hours; seal in a plastic bag for two weeks to let mites and eggs die. Oh how I wish we were in the middle of our great northland winter! I could just put everything outside for a night.

I have giant leaf bag after giant leaf bag in the basement filled with clothes, bedding, pillows, puppets, dolls and of course thousands of stuffed animals!

All summer I've been hanging clothes on the line to save money and energy and in one day of laundry I'm blowing it all!

The upside is that this is not a very contagious disease. Prolonged skin-to-skin contact, or prolonged contact with something that the infected person has had prolonged contact with such as bedding are the primary culprits.

The other good thing is that hopefully we know the cause of Danny’s frequent night waking. Poor kid. Gordon was reading that after two weeks the pain of Scabies, which intensifies at night, makes sleep almost impossible. Yes, we know this.

Danny and Gracie are lubed up with permethrin cream and drugged with Benadryl. I am leaving little greasy fingerprints on the keyboard. Hopefully tomorrow will be a mite-free day!

I’ve e-mailed friends I know who have recently come home from Guatemala with their children. But if you know someone else who may be in the same situation, please let them know. Further information on this pesky problem can be found at: www.med.umn.edu/print/peds/iac/scabies.html

We might be hippies, but trust me - we bathe regularly!

Bald is Beautiful....

2008-09-25T19:01:00.008-05:00

I’d venture to say that all adoptive families are astounded at how “right” their adoptive children are for their families. During all the frustrations and delays that kept us from sending in our initial paperwork, I kept telling myself that it would all be worth it because if not for the delays we would not have the child who was meant for us.

There are many reasons Danny is such a good fit for our family. Some of them are deep, spiritual and philosophical. Then there are the million little reasons that make me smile every day.

Baldness is one of them. My little Guatemalan son has less hair then either of my European children had. Ever. Until that is, my Josh lost his hair to chemo. It was only then that I was able to realize the sweetness of kissing a little bald scalp, of looking at all the cute little dents and divots that occur naturally on every head.

Of course, Danny is not a substitute for Josh and Josh was not a holding place for Danny. They are each unique individuals and integral parts of this family. But how amazing is it that my last kiss for Josh and my first kiss for Danny was of a little fuzzy bald head.

If you see babies from Guatemala you might say, “What are the odds that there would even be a bald Guatemalan baby, and what are the odds that he would end up in your family?” But I believe that Danny was destined for our family from the beginning, so I think the odds were pretty good all along!

Now that he’s here and I’ve gotten the gift of a bald-headed kiss, our boy is starting to sprout hair!

Here are a few pictures of Danny’s new growth!

And a few photos of Gracie then and now - who has gone from straight black hair to curly light brown with no baldness in between!

Uncharted Waters...

2008-09-20T21:00:00.002-05:00

This week marks a bittersweet milestone for us. I promised myself I wouldn’t try to figure out the date – it’s just a day. I vowed that to know it was coming was enough and I wouldn’t give it another thought.

But when you try not to think about something, it’s a pretty sure bet that you will.

It happened when Gracie put on a pair of PJ’s that belonged to Josh. They were a favorite of Josh’s and I thought Gracie would get a kick out of them. I warned her that they had feet which she doesn’t like. But she declared that she now loved pajamas with feet.

She put them on and as you can see from the picture, started dancing joyfully around. It’s always great to see her in Josh’s clothes. Then I noticed that they fit her perfectly – perhaps even a tad too tight. These were never tight on Josh and the feet were always a bit too long.

So that night as I was falling asleep – my mind went where I swore I wouldn’t take it. I did the math and figured out that this week, for the first time, Gracie is older then Josh ever was.

I don’t know what to make of it really. There are things Gracie was doing months ago that Josh never did, and things that Josh could do that Gracie can’t yet do. But nevertheless, for the first time since Gracie was born we are in new territory.

In some way it feels as if a path we were walking with Josh has come to an end. He is no longer guiding us as parents through the memories of how things were when he was a particular age.

Even though I have been a parent to Josh for eight years, I am a new parent of a three and a third year old child.

I have loved finding pictures of Gracie and Josh and now Danny doing the same thing at the same age. Now I can’t do that anymore.

I chose these two pictures of Gracie and Josh, for the last time at the same age, because I love the complete joy and abandon in each of their faces. It’s the way I remember Josh. And although it’s just a date, and it doesn’t alter my memory or my love for him, it’s been weighing on my mind all week.

Danny Can!

2008-09-11T22:02:00.008-05:00

It’s easy to focus on the things to worry about and I confess to doing a lot of that. But while I’ve been fretting the days away, Danny has been busy.

How many of us would have the optimism and the drive to learn a new language, master a new form of mobility, learn a new routine, figure out how to out-wit a much larger person who keeps taking our toys and all the while charm the living daylights out of all the new people in our life?

This sweet boy who came to us able to stay in a sitting position if someone put him there, but unable to roll over, crawl or get into a sitting position can now do all of the above. Our amazing boy joined our family only able to communicate through adorable coos and lalala’s. Now he is learning English and has figured out how to communicate with us.

Here’s a partial list of Danny’s many accomplishments:

He can roll over!

He can crawl!

He can pull himself into a stand!

He can walk behind his push toys!

He can comb his hair!

He can sign for: “Done”, “more”, “bottle”, “bye” and of course, “no”.

He can say: “Duh Duh” = “Done”; “bah-duh” = “bottle”; “buh buh” = “bye bye” and or course, “no” = “no”.

"Bottle": his first word, his first sign and his favorite thing!

He has doubled the number of teeth in his mouth. From two and a half to four in and two more on the way.

He uses appropriate hand motions without prompting when we say certain things. (This was a biggie for the developmental people.) When we say “bye” he waves; when we say “bottle” he signs and says “bah-duh”;

Here’s our favorite – what he does when we say “oh no!”

We are so proud of this boy who is working so hard and accomplishing so much.

You go, Danny!

Oh yeah, one more thing: He's got great taste in football teams!

I fell in love Friday night...

2008-09-07T21:00:00.001-05:00

I think it happens to every parent. You love your kids from the start. You love them so much you can’t imagine that you could love them more. Then every once in a while there’s a moment that completely flips your heart. There’s a surge of love so strong and overwhelming and it shifts you into a world of love you couldn’t imagine existed just a moment ago…

As you know, sleep has been a tough issue. My heart has been breaking for Danny imagining him waking up and crying for a person and a place that are no longer a part of his life.

But the other day, a dear friend, helped me frame Danny’s crying in another light. She asked me to view Danny’s cries not as desolate cries of abandonment but rather, cries summoning us to be sure we are still there. She told me that older adopted children are able to articulate this as the reason they wake up in the middle of the night. This simple re-framing gave me so much empowerment as a parent. It made me realize that I could actually offer comfort to Danny rather than just helpless empathy.

So Friday night when Danny started crying, I scooped him up and brought him in bed with me, I told him we were here for him and would never leave. Instead of reaching for his teddy bear or blanket, my sweet boy turned in to me and snuggled up against me and fell asleep. And I fell in love. I was completely overwhelmed with the realization that this sweet boy needed me and depended on me. I felt overwhelming, immense love in the desire to protect and nurture him for as long as I draw breath and beyond.

It’s slow but steady progress and I’m still exhausted. But each time I comfort him to sleep I now feel I’ve offered him a bit more security and one less reason to worry. Instead of hurting for him, I am healing with him.

Thank you E. Sweet dreams to all.

Trust and Respect

2008-09-03T20:26:00.005-05:00

NOTE: The other night I prepared another post lamenting the poor treatment we received from the agency handling Danny’s adoption. I almost deleted the whole thing because I've posted about this before. But I realized that I need to re-express my frustration one more time before I even begin to tell our story. We were not treated anywhere near as badly as many people were, but I still find myself very very angry; partly for our situation and partly for others who have had to go through, and continue to go through so much. You can see that even late in writing of this, I wondered if I should delete it. But in the end, I’m posting it, mainly as therapy for me. You don’t have to read it – you can skip directly to the pictures at the end. Either way, thanks for checking in on us!

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Just as Danny has some set-backs to overcome, so do I. My instinct to trust and my confidence in others’ trust in me has taken a step backwards during this process.

I have to start with a story that sets the gold standard of trust and respect. It happened during Josh’s first hospital stay.

The nurse was hooking up the IV saline drip when I noticed some bubbles in the line. The nurse explained that they were very small and nothing to worry about. She paused and took a careful look at my face and then without saying another word, unhooked the tube and let the saline run into a towel until all the bubbles were gone. I thanked her and then apologized for questioning the work she was doing.

God bless this wonderful nurse. Her reply to my apology was to tell me that the nurses appreciated parents’ questions. She said questions always made them think harder about the job they were doing. She said that in serious work it’s always good to have people ask questions and keep you on your toes.

From that day on, I never hesitated to ask questions and even sometimes to ask for another opinion. There were times when my questions resulted in changes that were better for Josh and one time when my questions kept him from a stint on life support.

Why oh why did this not happen during Danny’s adoption? We were discouraged from asking questions. We didn’t even have access to the people directly involved in the adoption. We were told that parents were not to try to learn information about their case through Guatemalan sources even though case progress in PGN is available to the public.

If someone had listened to my questions and acted on them, our case would have been more then two months further along by the end of the year: possibly enough to have brought Danny home much sooner. As it was, we almost missed the year-end cutoff which would have invalidated our adoption.

During this ordeal, I found myself hesitating to assert myself in other areas. I noticed that I no longer assumed that people had the best of intentions. I felt the need to grovel and “suck-up” to people if I needed a favor. I remember asking someone: “since when do I assume that people need an incentive to treat me nicely?”

The ironic thing is that during this process the vast majority of people we met and worked with treated us very well. It is amazing how little it takes from a few people to undermine one’s confidence.

My advice to anyone heading down the adoption road is this:

Make sure the agency you work with is willing to provide regular and direct communication with you. The fewer intermediaries that lie between you and the people handling the adoption the better. Make sure they don’t object to you independently researching your case. Make sure they are confident enough in the work they do and trusting enough of you to welcome second opinions if your case runs into trouble. Make sure they respect you enough to make you a full partner in the process.

The best predictor of future performance is past history. Ask them about some of their worst cases. Ask them how they resolved the issues. If they have nothing to hide, they should be more then willing to fully brief you on the possible road blocks that lie ahead.

A lot of people make a lot of money in the adoption process. But profit should never be the objective. This should not be a “for profit” venture. In the midst of all the paperwork and process there is a child, your child.

I realize that a lot of what I’m saying is a paraphrase from a previous post. I’m stuck in the preamble to the details of this road we’ve travelled. Reading what I wrote, I see that I’m still very angry and hurt. I’m hurt that we never received a sincere apology or explanation for what happened. I’m angry because three times during the writing of this post I’ve had to run upstairs to calm a sweet boy who wakes up crying and scared and who did nothing to deserve it. Would he have come home sooner? I don’t know. Could things have been different? I don’t know. But the casual way that we were treated makes me wonder about all of it.

I’ve looked at what I’ve written above and debated deleting all of it. You don’t need to hear me re-hash this over and over. But I need to say it. Hopefully in saying it enough I can let it go and we can all get a good night’s sleep around here.

After all of this I’ll repeat what I’ve said before: this journey was worth every tear and every sleepless night. We have never once regretted embarking on this road. Our kids, all three of them, continue to surprise and amaze us. Every minute with them is a tremendous Gift.

One thing that I’ve never lost confidence in is the friendships that we have carried with us through the years. I know I don’t need to bribe any of you for your friendship! But I can certainly reward you for reading this far with a few pictures from last week!

How I actually managed to color-coordinate them I'll never know...

The jury is still out on whether the crib helps with sleep issues, but there's unaminous agreement that it's a lot of fun!

Sweet boy

Sweet Girl

Please...no photos until I perfect my technique!

Things are not always as they seem...

2008-08-29T22:07:00.001-05:00

First of all, let me say that it’s all good. It’s all good because we’re together; and together we can tackle anything.

It’s all good, but it’s not all easy.

There’s a Cheryl Crow song with the lyrics: “No one said it would be easy, but no one said that it would be this hard.” That’s how I feel sometimes.

Usually the hard stuff is also the stuff that breaks my heart, which brings me to the picture above. It’s a beautiful picture. I love him in those cute PJ’s and he looks so peaceful and beautiful sleeping.

But it’s a hard-won and short-lived peace.

Danny has not been sleeping well. After Danny has been asleep for about an hour, he wakes up crying. Usually one of us can run upstairs and calm him down. But several times a night nothing can settle him. He cries like it’s the end of the world and it breaks my heart.

Here’s the really hard part: it’s never us who really calm him down. You can see his bear in the picture. This is a bear we sent him and I’m so grateful to his nanny for making this such a special toy for him. But it’s the bear that calms him down. When he wakes up, we hand him his bear or his bottle or his blanket. One of these things usually soothes him back to sleep. He is not comforted by someone rubbing his back. I think sometimes rather than comforting, he finds waking up next to us terrifying.

Danny learned to control his daytime world in the Children’s Home. He is very good at winning over strangers and charming everyone he meets into treating him with kindness. For the first 12 months of his life, nights were always predictable and safe. Now daytime still consists of the winning over of strangers, but night time is a new experience made more difficult simply because it’s the night time.

I’ve written several paragraphs of analysis of what Danny must be going through but I’ve decided to save them for another post.

Tonight it’s just about the sleep.

I am exhausted. Some nights, I can be up with him every half hour or so. I’m sure he’s not getting a good quality sleep either.

We’re trying some new things to see if they help. But it seems that each new thing we try involves giving up a bit of the closeness I had hoped to have with Danny.

It started with not being able to hold him while he drank his bottle. His nanny warned us about this – she said that he liked to have control of his bottle. It was clear that being held and fed was very stressful to Danny and not what he was used to.

Next it was not being able to rock him to sleep to comfort him through touch. It hurts so much to be pushed away by my child when I’m trying to offer comfort. But again, I don’t want to force ourselves on him. I’m afraid if we do this, he may never be able to trust us to respect his limits.

Tonight comes the toughest of all: moving Danny into a crib.

Everyone has opinions about attachment parenting. But for our family it worked very well to have our kids sleep with us from about 6 months until they were two years old. Both kids had no problem transitioning to their own beds and it was so nice to be close to them in their most vulnerable years. I had hoped this practice would assist in our bonding and attachment to Danny. Maybe it still will, but right now, it’s another thing to test and to hope it brings peace to Danny.

I assumed that closeness of parents would bring security. But I can only imagine what it feels like to Danny to wake up in between two hulking strangers who not only are new people, but who also bear very little physical resemblance to any of the people he saw on a daily basis.

So it’s another little bit of letting go. It’s another little bit of wondering how things might have been different if he had come home sooner. It’s another reminder that while we’ve known this boy for over a year and loved him even longer, we are completely new to him. We don’t guarantee any sort of permanence to him yet. I am learning that to gain closeness and trust, I have to let go a bit and work counter-intuitively to my mother’s heart.

Sleep well, little sweet Danny and please wake up just a little more certain in our love for you…

A Thoughtful End to the Week...

2008-08-23T21:09:00.006-05:00

Dinosaur Days at the hospital always wraps up Josh’s birthday week. And as this week comes to an end, I find myself where I usually am at this time of year – at peace and in a reflective mood.

I have mixed feelings about talking about what we do at the hospital because I don’t believe in documenting one’s philanthropic works for the world to see. But this event is different because the good that we’re doing is in honor of two things that should be talked about: The incredible work that Children’s Hospital does, and the amazing inspiration for joy and goodness that Josh’s life has created. These are two things I could go on and on about.

Celebrating Dinosaur Days with 3 very special staff members. (Bad mommy confession #2452: I told Gracie: "If you don't sit and smile for a picture you won't get a dinosaur cupcake!")

As things settle down, I’ve been thinking about the genuine and truthful nature of our son, and the integrity of the professionals we met at Children’s Hospital. I’ve been comparing this to our adoption experience and the comparison is not favorable.

I have not been entirely truthful in the posts leading up to our adoption. This is because I feared that full disclosure of some of the obstacles we encountered might lead to retaliation which would in turn jeopardize Danny’s journey to our family. I am not saying that this would have happened; I don’t know that and never will. But I am saying that the environment created was not one of trust. It was one of fear.

I still have fear. I fear that those who have befriended me and are still in the process may be treated differently because of our friendship. I fear that my hopes of providing pictures of Danny to the dear mammas at the children’s home may be blocked. I hope and pray that these things will not happen.

This is not an exposé. I am not about to reveal scandalous doings worthy of a Supreme Court hearing. But things happened to us along the way that delayed our process. I desperately needed words of encouragement from the friends who read this blog. I could not seek this because I was afraid.

But I need to write about what happened to us. My CaringBridge on-line journal during Josh’s illness was brutally honest. This helped me find strength and meaning in our journey and I hope that in some small way, it helped others as well. If I am to be honest about the path we are now walking, I need to fill in the historical details about how we came to this place. If I am to share sadness or anger in the place I am now, I need to be able to talk about why I might be living with these emotions. I hope and pray that my words will not cost me the friendship of the many dear friends I have met in this process.

I hope that my honesty is helpful for parents about to embark on the journey of adoption. It is one that ultimately is worth every tear, but there are many potential problems. Awareness of these may help others avoid them. I don’t plan to mention names because our story is not unique. Better to enter into any adoption process a bit suspicious then to assume that because there are no bad stories about your agency that nothing bad will happen…

Danny’s physical presence in our family is like the missing piece in our lives that is now in place. He, Gracie and Josh have brought immeasurable joy into our lives. This is the overriding factor. However, there are a great many other emotions and issues surrounding a little boy who was basically abducted (albeit it legally) from the only home he knew for the first 12 months of his life. There are a great many issues to be resolved for a little girl whose reality of our family is of children who are absent sometimes and present sometimes.

I am not a perfect parent (oh my, not by a long-shot!) and I hope I can be honest about my failings and breakdowns during our continuing journey. I know they will contribute to some of the issues we face. But other circumstances have also contributed: good and bad. I want to be able to speak freely of these as well.

In the coming entries, I will begin filling in some of the blank spaces. I’ll also keep up the pictures of our sweet children. (On a good hair day you may also see me.)

And now, your reward for sticking with me this far: a few pictures of our celebration of Josh’s birthday at the zoo; some images from the week; and closing words of wisdom from Gracie.

At the Zoo: You never know what will turn up in a lava tube!

Grizzly Bears up close

August 20, 2008: Happy Birthday, Josh!

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First trip to Costco: A watershed event in any child's life

Making Play-Dough is serious, serious business

When colorful, cheap, plastic crap just won't do

You know it's child #3 when parents feed him Cheetos!

On a blazing hot day, we played with ice on the lawn

Gracie (spoken with great emotion and a few tears): but I already brushed my teeth; I don’t want you to brush my teeth.

Me: But Gracie, the dentist said that children need a grown-up to brush their teeth, too.

Gracie: But I am a grown-up. I have a baby now, I am a grown-up, and I don’t need you to brush my teeth. I just need to brush my own teeth.

Me: You have a baby now?

Gracie: Yes, I have a baby, Danny is my baby. I am a grown-up now; I don’t need you to brush my teeth.

Happy Birthday, Josh

2008-08-19T22:03:00.008-05:00

Josh: August 20, 2000 - December 13, 2003

In the midst of our whirlwind adjustments, comes the anniversary of one of the best days of my life: Josh’s birthday.

I feel guilty that this day has come up so fast, and in the midst of all the changes going on around here we didn’t prepare as much as we usually do. Birthdays falling around the arrival of a new family member tend to get lost in the shuffle. I should know, it happened to me twice!

But some things don’t change year after year.

I always take time to remember the day Josh was born. The time after Josh’s arrival was the calmest of all my babies. You know Danny’s story. Gracie arrived on a day the hospital was pathetically understaffed and super busy. But everything was calm after Josh was born. He had about as much hair as Danny does now. I remember singing him a lullaby I had been singing to him long before he was born and being completely overwhelmed with love for this sweet, beautiful boy. It’s hard to believe that we would only have three short years with him. We never could have imagined the endless capacity this little being would have to bring joy into our lives.

During the devastating months following Josh’s death, we struggled to find ways to honor his life and continue to spread his joy. We knew that we wanted to keep the memory of Josh’s joyful life alive and also to share it with others. We want Josh’s birthday to continue to be a joyful event. So every year, we celebrate “Dinosaur Days” by preparing gift bags stuffed with Dinosaur goodies for all the children visiting the Oncology Clinic. We do this on the Friday closest to Josh’s birthday. To honor Josh’s night time pilfering of the nurse’s flashlights, we also prepare goodie bags for the kids on the hospital wing. We celebrate “Dinosaur Nights” by giving away light-up dinosaur toys. (You wouldn’t believe how many of these toys there are!)

Despite the already chaotic environment around here, we are ready to celebrate with the kids at the hospital. We also have a logo for the first time this year. My brother, Paul developed this for us. Can you spot Josh’s name?

Our last tradition on Josh’s birthday is to head to the Zoo, one of his favorite places. That’s where we will be tomorrow. I’m sure he’ll be with us. I’ll leave you with some of my favorite pictures of our sweet Josh.

6 months old - our favorite spot during the winter of 2001

September 2003: Radiation Photo. They asked Josh for a picture for his file and this is what he gave them!

Josh with his favorite: Infinity

With our doggy, Matchless

18 Months

Starting with today's headlines

A tea party for some friends

A zoo outing

Helping Daddy paint our yellow door

Remember, O God, my dear Joshua whose love and presence I still cherish. Strengthen me in my loss. Help me to honor his memory by the way I live, by the love I have for dear ones still with me, by my goodness to those who need me, by the helping hand I ofer to all. May I continue the noble tasks that had such meaning for him thereby continuing to link our lives together. Thank You O God, for the blessing of memory.

Wordless Week...

2008-08-13T20:27:00.009-05:00

It's been another crazy busy week. A lot of smiles and some tears. This is a process that will take as long to work itself out as it did to get here in the first place.

I'm still all talked out from the trip journals (I know, it's shocking: I'm out of words!)

Here's last week in pictures. Gordon took a week of vacation (following his two weeks of paternity leave.) I experimented with various routines for our week days to come.

Sunday: Tired but happy!

Monday: I will be a Twins fan...in your dreams!

Tuesday: An armload of kids

Wednesday: accessorizing baby brother

Thursday: Experiencing Sand

Friday: Bedtime(?)

Saturday: First corn-on-the-cob

Crawling lessons from an expert

Cooling down with Mr. Potato Head

Hap.pi.ness [hap-ee-nis]

-noun

1) The quality of state of being happy

2) Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy

Seven Years in the Making...

2008-08-08T21:24:00.002-05:00

2001

2006

2008

Chow Time

2008-08-03T21:35:00.005-05:00

I’ve done my share of talking over the past week. Tonight, I’ll let the pictures tell the story. As I looked through this week's 200 or so photos, I noticed that about 75% of them are taken at a mealtime.

Each night, we say the following grace:

Lord, behold our family here assembled,
We thank you for this place in which we dwell,
For the love that unites us, for the peace accorded us this day,
For the hope with which we expect tomorrow,
For the health, the work, the food and the bright skies that make our lives delightful,
For our friends in all parts of the Earth.

Amen

What comes next, you can see for yourself…

This is what I'm talkin' about!

Modelling the proper technique

Cutting to the chase

Bread Head

Believe it or not, this is our first family photo in the U.S. We're at our favorite neighborhood coffee shop.

Oh yes, and that's our pet kangaroo named: "too-biggie"

July 25: The Loooooong Journey Home

2008-07-31T22:03:00.008-05:00

Big sister and proud of it! (thanks to our role model "A" for the t-shirt!)

Our day began at 3:00 am. All four alarms worked, so Gordon and I were well awake and ready to go on time.

Gracie: not so much. She gave me some flash forwards to her teenage years, burrowing under the covers saying: “I want to sleeeeeeeep!” Since Danny is used to a 4:00 am feeding, he was a more willing participant.

We had one near disaster when someone from the hotel came to check the mini bar. We had only requested access to this so we could store Danny’s medicine. We didn’t use anything. I explained this to the person checking. “Nothing?” he said, “then I no need check.” As he headed down the hall I suddenly realized that he thought I meant there was nothing left. Oops! I ran after him and through pantomime, brought him back to take note of our fully stocked mini bar. Whew! I don’t want to think how many Quetezales that might have set us back!

Our friend Edwin loaded up the car for us and helped to transport a still sleeping Gracie. Our carry on luggage was much lighter on this leg of our journey because I didn’t need to pack a change of clothes in case our luggage was lost. (Note: this is foreshadowing.)

Edwin promised to deliver our left over formula and baby food to a nearby orphanage. And we were off.
.

As many times as we were scared and stressed out on this trip, the beautiful people of Guatemala without exception made our journey memorable and very special. For every broken promise and dispassionate encounter from our Gringo contacts affiliated with the orphanage, our Guatemalan friends restored our trust and overrode the bad memories with their kindness. When we return, Edwin promises to show us the “real Guatemala” away from the touristy areas of Guatemala City. I can hardly wait.

Edwin did us one last favor as we arrived in the airport by setting us up with a porter who whisked us through the check-in lines. Usually I wait my turn, but this day I did not feel a bit guilty about being ushered, with our load of babies and baggage, to the front of a line of about 150 exuberant 20-something members of a mission team. In fact, my personal mission was to stay in front of this group to avoid long lines. And from the joyful smiles they gave us, I don’t think they minded a bit either.

My last triumph using my limited Spanish vocabulary was to go back to the snack bar where we bought our airport breakfast and tell them that they forgot to include Gordon’s ham and cheese croissant in our order. “No hay croissant. Donde esta croissant?” It worked!

Once on the plane, our kids (our kids!) were amazing. As on the flight out, the stellar invention of the portable video player saved the day. Danny got his first look at the Wiggles and I’m still not quite sure what he thought of them.

Ever the sharer, Gracie made sure that her puppy, Quenta, had a listen, too.

There was a treat waiting for us in Houston. Just the day before I had learned that our credit card would give us access to the Continental VIP lounge. With a four-and-a-half hour layover, this was a welcome refuge.

First we needed to pass through Customs with our luggage and them Immigration with our new little US Citizen.

Re-entering the security area after Customs gave Gracie a chance for one last melt-down. Poor kid, we had to wake her up to go through security since we needed to fold up her stroller. To say that she was upset would be an understatement. She was exhausted, angry about waking up and wanting to be carried like her little brother. She screamed, kicked, writhed, and howled. We made it through the check point, but then she didn’t want to get back in the stroller. She wanted me to carry her along with the diaper bag and carry on bag of toys. Finally, we just wrestled her into the stroller, strapped her in and proceeded amidst ear-splitting screams. We looked neither left nor right – just pushed ahead. At one point a kind stranger stopped me to tell me that one of Gracie’s socks was outside the elevator on the floor we had just left. For all I know it’s still there because there was no way I was going back for it!

Then, just as quickly as it started, our Gracie was her usual sunny self and all was forgotten.

We got to the VIP lounge and were treated like royalty. As we sat in the quiet, cool air-conditioned sanctuary eating free snacks and drinking free juice we marveled that some people travel like this all the time.

But our adventure was not over. Take a look at the two pictures that follow. Both were taken at the Houston airport....

Yes, Danny had one last surprise for us helped along by the interaction of antibiotic and his digestive system. Gordon headed off to the men’s room with Danny for a routine diaper change. He didn’t come back for almost a half-an-hour. Gracie and I were so engrossed in stuffing down as many free snacks as possible that we didn’t even notice. Suddenly there was Gordon with a shirtless Danny. “Danny has just had his first US bath!” Gordon informed me. It seems that this episode was not going to be taken care of with a few flimsy wipes. Gordon said that after 5 minutes of trying, he just headed over to the sinks.

I was actually kind of excited about buying Danny a new outfit – I imagined a nice Houston related ensemble. (Remember, no change of clothes in the carry-on!) So I headed down to the shops only to discover that the sole baby clothing source was a shuttle ride and three gates away. Thus was born the start of my new fitness program. Twenty minutes later, 10 minutes before boarding I was back with the cute outfit you see above.

One last flight and we were home. HOME!

Looking back at how tired we were, I still can’t believe that we had time to sit down for our first family dinner.

Yes, I have see one of these, and I know how to use it!

The doctors at the Guatemala hospital told us to start Danny on solid foods just like you would start a six month-old. Let him get down and dirty with it. I tell you he was in heaven! I can’t even begin to describe the look on his face when I handed him the spoon. It was one of pure joy; as if he had been waiting for this moment all his life. He does this cute thing where he dips the spoon end into the food and then puts the handle in his mouth.

I told you I could do it and you ain't seen nothin' yet!

After a meal like that, of course, a bath was called for. God bless the nannies at the orphanage, when they bathe the kids in the special sinks, they dunk them completely under to rinse them off. So Danny had absolutely no fear of the water. He seemed overjoyed to have such a vast body of water all to himself. He laughed and splashed and laughed.

And so our journey ended. And our first day home ended as all of them have so far: food fest, bath, bottle, bed.

I leave you with a few more pictures of Gracie and Danny, good friends already.

Thank you for travelling this road with us. The journey is just beginning. Over the next few days I’ll tell you about our re-entry into society, and a few surprises waiting for us this week.

Then we will be caught up to each other and we can once again walk side-by-side as we move into a new chapter of our lives. Your presence, your prayers and your kindness have gotten us this far. We will be forever grateful.

Day 5: Goodbye

2008-07-30T21:50:00.005-05:00

As our plane landed on the day we arrived and I looked at the breathtaking vista below, I told Gordon that I knew I already wanted to come back.

Thursday, our last day in Guatemala, I felt the same. Someday we will come back when every one is healthy and strong and visit this beautiful country and really get to know the people who make it so special.

We have made some lasting friendships here. Ironically they began as business relationships but now extend to true friendships.

Today was a day to thank these amazing people and to say goodbye.

A relaxing start to the day

For the first time since we arrived, we had no need to get up early. Ah, so civilized…
We all bathed, and got ready for breakfast. I think it was the first time that we were all clean at the same time. The lounge on our floor served a wonderful breakfast and that’s where we headed.

Miss Grace assembles her breakfast components

I had visions of a nice little family gathering at one of the beautifully laid out tables, but Gracie had other plans. She immediately settled herself in an armchair in front of a glass coffee table. She pulled out her sticker book and tucked into a chocolate croissant. The rest of us riff raff started out at a table but soon joined her on an nearby sofa.

Chocolate, the universal language of YUM!

Our first hello and goodbye to good friends was scheduled at 11:00 that morning. We were meeting with our attorney and the director of Adoption Supervisors. For those who don’t know, Adoption Supervisors is an independent organization that provides information and sometimes assistance in cases that are not being handled to the satisfaction of the families involved. As often as they can, they supervise cases without the knowledge of the official adoption agency.

I will write more someday about the details of our case, but for now suffice it to say that mistakes were made and no information was provided to us regarding the outcome of those mistakes. Into the midst of my fears and dwindling trust came our friends at Adoption Supervisors. Not only did they provide accurate and timely information but they did so with compassion. Now we were meeting these friends in person for the first time! We exchanged many hugs, talked about the future of adoptions in Guatemala and gave each other gifts from our countries. We promised to keep in touch and send pictures of our happy family.

Our next goodbye was with our new friend and driver, Edwin. True, he was taking us to the airport at 4:00 am the next morning, but since I planned on being comatose at that time, this afternoon was the last time for us to spend time as friends together. Because I hadn’t had any time to shop, Edwin took us to a nice, close, open air market where I went nuts on gifts and souvenirs. What a patient man! He directed us to shops with unique items. When I was loaded down with too many parcels, he would run them out to his car. The five of us enjoyed a wonderful meal at a nearby steak house. It was our first chance to sample some of the local cuisine. Danny was feeling much better and was really enjoying the tortillas!

The guys dig in

Yes, you can eat tortillas with 2.5 teeth

Full body smile!

At 3:00 we headed to the Embassy to pick up our Visa. All went smoothly and in no time we were headed back to our hotel with all the paperwork necessary to leave the country. Edwin commented that for the first time he could see that all the tension was out of my face! He also warned us: “DO NOT OPEN THE SEALED ENVELOPE!” The sealed envelope is the Pandora’s Box for adoptive families. The Embassy hands you a sealed envelope to be turned over at US Immigration. Many families wonder what’s in that envelope and some have given into temptation and opened it. Edwin knew such a family and warned that the punishment was a two week wait in-country while the paperwork was reassembled. So we followed orders.

Back at our hotel, we had one last appointment with a new friend. Danny’s pediatrician was stopping by for a last check-up to see if we were good to fly out the next day. One of my most gratifying moments of the trip was the look on the doctor’s face when Danny and I answered the door. His look was of relief and amazement in the transformation of our sweet boy. Before the doctor left, he told me that he felt adoption was a wonderful thing. He said that we were making a difference in a life, giving a life to someone who might otherwise have missed out. I was quick to tell him that the blessing worked both ways and that we were equally blessed to have Danny in our lives. We promised to send pictures to our new friend to show him Danny’s progress.

Danny's first doctor

Now there was nothing left to do but order room service and pack. The doctor had told us that Danny really needed to begin experiencing food since the feeding at the orphanage left little room for wallowing in food the way kids need to in order to learn to eat. So we turned Danny loose on the plain noodles much to Gracie’s delight.

Pasta is awesome

With the kids finally sleeping, Gordon and I packed until about 11:00. We set two alarms and for good measure I attempted to follow the Spanish automated menu instructions on our phone to place a wake-up call request.

After a wonderful day, we were ready to head home. Our last leg of the journey was set to begin in just four hours.

One of my favorite pictures of all time!

Day four: "Big Bless"

2008-07-29T21:59:00.003-05:00

This is the day all adoptive families wait for: the date at the U.S. Embassy to apply for a travel visa. We needed to leave at about 6:15. So we had another early morning. Due to an intense storm the day before, there were rolling blackouts all night long in our hotel. The next morning I headed for the shower only to discover that there was no hot water! Talk about a wake up call!

This day, we were using the driver supplied by our adoption agency. Our adoption fees covered the service of a ride to the Embassy to apply for the Visa, and again the next day to pick up said Visa. Edwin had completely spoiled us. I must say, the agency’s driver was certainly amiable and more then patient. He stood calmly by while two sleep-deprived parents struggled to load a stroller, bulging diaper bag, bag of books and toys and a two-inch stack of paperwork into the van with no car seats. He helped Gordon through the process of paying for the Visa and getting a receipt. Then he left us to wait for our interview. He said he’d be back in an hour to pick us up, and off he went to get a bite to eat.

The wait was a struggle for Gracie. She is an energetic cheerful child, and being stuck in a drab government building is just not her thing. But she’s a trooper and she joyfully played the gravity game endlessly with Danny. (I drop, you pick up, etc. etc.) Then she saw the large America flag in the corner. How tempting is that? She ran over, and before we could stop her she had wrapped herself completely in the flag and was spinning around joyfully. This was a game she had been playing in the hotel drapes just a couple hours earlier and it was difficult to explain why the flag wasn’t fair game.

Sorry no pictures by decree of the US Government! But here's one to tide you over...

Luckily we were called shortly after this. First we entered a small closet sized room and handed over our paperwork while someone examined our passports. Then we were dismissed to wait for one more interview. About 20 minutes later we were called to the infamous window #10. “Please raise your right hand. Do you swear that the information in this documentation is the truth.” “Yes.” “Have you fulfilled the requirements in your state to complete an adoption?” “Yes.” “Congratulations, come back tomorrow at 3:30 to pick up your Visa.”

Done.

That’s it?

Yep. Done!

Well, not quite. Our driver, who said he’d be back in an hour, did not show up for another hour. He had instructed us to wait by the exit doors so he could see us. We stood there with an increasingly hungry and impatient Gracie, and a still feverish Danny. We were dripping with sweat in our “Business Casual” Embassy outfits, I could feel my hair soaking up the humid air and beginning to extend on either side of my head – defying gravity.

Finally, FINALLY there he was. Amiable as ever, calmly watching us make our way down two flights of stairs with the aforementioned baggage. When he deposited us at our hotel, we let him know that we wouldn’t need him to drive us to the Embassy the next day. We would be using our new best friend, Edwin.

Whew, back to the air conditioned bliss of our hotel. Our original plans were to meet Edwin lunch time and head for the city of Antigua to do some sightseeing and shopping. However, we were still worried about Danny. He was much improved from the day before but I was still worried. We called the pediatrician to ask a few questions. He said that the best thing for Danny would be to be seen at a hospital for x-rays and blood work to confirm the pneumonia and to determine whether he needed additional care. I felt the blood drain from my face. What next!?

While waiting, Gracie melds all her playdoh colors to create an "Ox-rainbow" with craters!

So Edwin took us to the ER instead of Antigua. I had visions of the ER in our town: a germ pit with endless waiting. I assumed that in Guatemala City, with over twice the population of our city, things would be even worse. Imagine our surprise when we were issued into an empty, spotless waiting room and shortly after that, a charming pediatric exam room. Thank God Edwin was there to translate. We were able to give the medical staff detailed information about Danny’s condition and the meds he was taking.

X-rays were taken, blood was drawn, tears were shed (mine and Danny’s). We met with the pediatric on call doctor and a viral specialist. They explained that Danny did indeed have pneumonia in both lungs. If his white counts were seriously elevated, he would need to be hospitalized and receive IV antibiotics. Finally results were back and we received good news. Danny’s blood work did not indicate a need for hospitalization. They were pleased with his progress to date and recommended that we continue as instructed by our doctor. We promised to have him come out the night before we left to give Danny the green light for flying.

The doctors were appalled that he had not been receiving formula for his first year. They were concerned about the nutritional value of a milk diet. They recommended Pediasure instead of milk. They emphasized fluids and calories were to be our focus.

I can’t even begin to describe how relieved I felt after this visit. I felt like we were finally on the right track. The care we received was outstanding and the staff was incredible. While we were waiting for results I asked Edwin why there was no one else in the waiting room. He explained that few people in Guatemala could afford this hospital. Here’s that thing that really got to me: our bill for an ER visit, x-rays, lab work, doctor exam and a visit by a viral specialist was $178. This expense which we could pay for out of petty cash was too much for most of the people living in Guatemala City. I also thought about what the excellent doctors must be earning if the cost of their care was so little. What heroes to stay in their country rather then look elsewhere for what surely would be a much bigger paycheck.

As we were leaving, I asked the doctor what would have happened to Danny had he been at the orphanage in his condition for any longer. She said that three more days and he would have been lucky to have made it to the hospital on time.

I told this to Edwin as we were driving back to the hotel. I told him how we hadn’t been expecting to get our pink slip as soon as we did. “Can you imagine” I said, “what could have happened? Thank God for getting that pink slip early.”

Edwin said, “This is a big bless. A big big bless.”

Later that night when we got home Gordon and Edwin headed to the grocery store to buy provisions I stayed with a passed out Gracie and an ever improving Danny. Looking at my beautiful children and feeling Josh’s presence so strongly I agreed: A big big bless indeed!

Being a big sister is hard work!

Yes, all this plastic is really enjoyable, but what I really need.....

Is a spoon and the remote. Now I'm groovin'!

Big Bless!!

Day 3: The first leg of the journey home

2008-07-28T23:09:00.007-05:00

Morning in Beautiful Guatemala

The morning of our departure dawned: clear and crisp and beautiful. Danny’s fever seemed to have subsided in the night. The migraine gremlins who live in my head were re-thinking their strategy after I’d hit them with a dose of my super-duper migraine medicine. Gracie entertained Danny while we got dressed and ready to head for the Children’s Home for breakfast.

Wake-up call

Things took a bit of a turn once we got to the orphanage. First of all, it was hot and loud inside. Second, Danny was not at all interested in solid food and began to feel feverish again. And finally, as we sat down to our breakfast of warm milk and cornflakes, I turned my chair to face a reluctant Gracie and pinched her finger between our two chairs. Gracie screamed, and my head suddenly began to throb. There was no consoling her and I was sure that all the nannies were questioning my ability to parent an additional child.

We all left without any breakfast. I felt terrible about leaving uneaten food behind, but we had to get out of there.

Luckily, my diaper bag has the solutions to all life’s problems buried inside. About 15 bandages later, Gracie declared herself healed.

The band-aid cure-all

Romalia came by to go through Danny’s toys with us. When she arrived, Danny was playing happily on the floor with Gordon. She told Edwin that she was very relieved to see him relaxed and enjoying his new family. Dear Romalia went through each toy and, via Edwin, explained when Danny got each item, what its significance was and how he liked to play with it. She showed us how she carefully kept the letters we wrote him under his mattress. We had sent a picture of Gracie in a zip-loc bag. She told us how Danny would press the picture against his face and smile. She showed us the first toy he ever received, a cute stuffed dog. But most poignantly, she showed us the bear we had sent to Danny many months ago. She said this is his favorite toy, and told us how he hugs it and curls up against it every night. This information has helped us comfort him now that we’re home and even as I write this, he is curled up with his bear.

We were so grateful to have her loving words translated. Otherwise we never would have known the best way to comfort Danny when he wakes up at night. We never would have known that when he starts saying “lalalalalala” it means he wants something and is about to get frustrated if he doesn’t get it. We would never have known that her heart was at ease with his leaving now that she had met his loving family.

Finally it was time to go. Romalia walked Danny out to the car and put him in the car seat. This was something she wanted to do. It is only now that I think about it, I realize how difficult it must have been to put the baby you loved most in this world into someone else’s car. She said she was afraid to see him cry when she put him down. And sure enough, he cried and reached for her. My heart broke for both of them. We promised again to send pictures and assured her that our love for Danny was boundless.

And then we were off.

Our plans were to take an alternate route down the mountain side. This was a more scenic road. Without construction, the journey would be a little shorter then yesterday’s. The trade-off was that the road wound up and down the mountain about three times before connecting with the Pan-American Highway. Edwin explained that the road followed old Mayan foot paths.

OK driving in Guatemala… Let me tell you a bit about this. Big has the right of way. Cars beat humans, trucks beat cars and busses beat everyone else. Motorcycles drive in between lines of cars. To get anywhere you have to be aggressive. One more coat of paint on these cars and they would be scraping each other. While there was less traffic on our road down the mountain, there was an added element of suspense around every corner. You see, every corner was a hairpin turn that was completely blind. Edwin beeped the horn at each approach, but there was always a moment where we held our breath and expected a huge truck to come barreling around the curve.

But skillful driving and excellent descriptions of the countryside we were touring made for a beautiful descent. We passed people digging into the side of the mountain to mine for sand. The mountain was literally honey-combed with caves, all illegal, all in full sight of law enforcement. One had to wonder when these caves would collapse and bring down half the mountain. One also had to wonder what kind of poverty brings a person to take such great risks to earn a few Quetzales.

Because we were worried about Danny’s health, and my head was splitting open, we made just one stop on the peaceful if somewhat odorous shores of Lake Atitlan. But Gordon had the video camera out of the window for much of the ride catching the scenery as we passed.

How we spent our summer vacation

We travelled through marketplaces tightly packed with people and vehicles and donkeys. The contrast between the staggering poverty and the beautiful faces and clothing was breath taking. Even in extreme poverty, people were carefully and proudly dressed. Children were obviously adored and cherished.

Finally we arrived back at our hotel. We were so worried about Danny that we asked the concierge to help us find a pediatrician. She warned us that it would be expensive. This kind man travelled across town after business hours to our hotel. He stayed for a half an hour and gave us his personal phone number to call any time we had questions or concerns. The cost was $100. This is less than half of a regular 15 minute visit to our clinic.

The Doctor carefully examined Danny and told us that he was nearly certain that he had Pneumonia. He said that while he generally hates to use antibiotics, he wanted to treat this aggressively especially since we were flying out on Friday. He also said that the medication Danny was being given at the Eagle’s Nest was actually harmful and making his condition worse. The medication was making his heart race and was making breathing even more difficult.

The Doctor also reviewed Danny’s immunization records and we discovered that he was not given the Pneumonia vaccine. Also, contrary to what we were told, Danny was never given Chicken Pox vaccine.

Armed with prescriptions for an antibiotic, a steroid and another medication to help clear his bronchial passages we settled in for the night. This entailed Gordon filling our prescriptions, Gordon taking care of entertaining the kids and getting them to bed and me taking hot shower after hot shower trying to beat out the extreme headache that was now not responding to anything.

It was a long and painful night, but suddenly at about 10:00 pm, after a last ditched attempt at pain relief via a strong cup of coffee, my headache lifted!

Morning was on the way and with it, our long awaited Embassy appointment!

Siblings, deep in thought

July 21, We become a family (on Danny's birthday!)

2008-07-27T21:47:00.006-05:00

Beautiful Guatemala

The day is finally here! In just a few short (make that long) hours, we will be together as a family.

My headache had ratcheted up a notch by this time, which made being in the moment a bit tougher. But the drive up to the “highlands” as our driver put it, was stunningly beautiful. Edwin, our driver gave us a running history lesson and commentary on the agricultural practices and traditions of the Mayan people. He found places to stop with beautiful views, tempting markets and also clean bathrooms.

Rest stop: can't resist a beautiful coat for Gracie

Yes, it is a long, long, drive

We finally reached the fork in the road that led to the orphanage and I really wish I had taken a picture because it’s like no road I’ve ever seen. What it looked like was rutty dusty space between tightly packed buildings. Even Edwin was surprised at how rugged it was. We continued with blind faith based on the directions we were given. Finally, the dirt path became a bit of a road again, leading still higher into the hills. At last we were in the parking lot of a building I have seen so many times in pictures.

As we walked up to the door, I expected security or ID checks, but we were admitted without question. Luckily, Edwin came with us and translated everything. This gave us the priceless opportunity to speak directly with Danny’s nanny and not miss a thing. When I talk about conversations with people at the Children’s Home, they are always facilitated by Edwin.

We had waited for this moment for a year, more if you count the beginning of our adoption journey back in December of 06. There were so many emotions, so many people’s lives to take into consideration. Mostly, there was Danny who was about to be introduced to complete strangers who would take him from the only home he’s ever known. As hard as it would be, we needed to go slowly and not overwhelm him.

Romalia with our boy and her boy - a bittersweet moment

Almost as poignantly, there was Romalia, Danny’s nanny. This woman has cared for and loved Danny since he was just a couple weeks old. Now she was going to be saying goodbye. We had heard from other visitors that Danny was Romalia’s favorite baby of all time.

The sight of the checker board floor got my adrenaline rushing and my tears rising up. I had never been in this place, yet I knew it well. I was very surprised at the noise level. The TV was blaring, babies were crying, kids were babbling and nannies were talking above it all.

First meeting

Then, suddenly we saw a tearful nanny bringing our sweet boy to us. He was clearly anxious. He was bundled to within an inch of his life as Romalia assumed we would be immediately whisking him off to our room. We told her that our main concern was Danny’s emotional state and that we wanted to take things slowly. I wanted to be sure she didn’t think we were too casual about meeting him, yet I wanted Danny to view this as a casual meeting.

Romalia told us that ever since the news came that Danny’s family was coming for him, he had been anxious and waking up often during the night. She said this often happens to babies who are leaving soon. She also made sure we knew that although she was heart broken, she was very glad that Danny was finally going home to a family that loved him so dearly.

Big sister is worth a second glance

We held Danny briefly. Gracie actually got a smile out of him, the first glimmerings of the adoring little brother in our home today. Then we told Romalia that we would get settled and come back in an hour or so. By this time, it was late in the afternoon and we hadn’t eaten all day.

Amazing Edwin had already taken care of getting our things to our room and ordering lunch from Pollo Compero. (A famous world-wide fried chicken chain originating in Guatemala, we learned.) After settling in and eating, and a world class melt-down from Gracie because I marred the surface of her Flan (pudding like desert) by trying to stir it up, we were ready to spend more time with Danny.

First family portrait

I headed back to the baby changing area to find Danny and Romalia. I caught her sobbing in the back. My heart broke into a million pieces. This process of adoption involves so many lives. This dear woman was trying hard to keep her grief from Danny but still the tears were streaming down her face. Edwin later said that she told him she is single and that the babies at the orphanage are her children. Romalia asked us to please send pictures. She said many families promise to do so, but few actually follow through. We promised her that we would send pictures. Later in the day, she gave us her home address as well.

After some time in our room with Danny, we headed back for dinner for Danny and for ourselves. It was then that I learned that although there is no biological connection, Danny is truly meant to be a sibling to my other two children. This boy refuses to eat just like my other two kids. I guess he is famous for refusing food. He either clamps his mouth shut, or glues his tongue to his upper gums to prevent access with a spoon. His sole goal at meal times is to take possession of the spoon and the bowl.

This gave me concern about his nutrition. The children in the orphanage are switched to powdered whole milk at six months. This is very bad and goes directly against recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatrics which recommends formula or breast milk as the main source of nutrition for the first year of a child’s life. Without fortified rice cereal or other food, Danny was getting nowhere near the calories or nutrients he needed.

We also had concerns about his general health. When I returned to the orphanage to pick up our meals, the staff remembered that Danny was taking several medications: one for a fever and one for a cough. There was some confusion about the dosage, but finally we had our instructions.

After returning to our room, it became clear that his breathing, which I had initially taken for nerves upon our first meeting, was actually very shallow and very rapid; about two in-out breaths per second. It was a long worrisome night. We were up every four hours to administer meds and a bottle.

Despite the worry, I felt a peacefulness knowing that whatever lay ahead, we would be tackling it as a family and that we could finally advocate for Danny in person.

With Daddy...

With Mommy...

My hero!

P.S. Please hold sweet Nathan A. and his family close in your prayers. We hope and pray that his family will soon be on their own pick-up journey.

Home!

2008-07-26T23:20:00.012-05:00

I’ll take a break from my love fest over this fabulous new family to let you know we’re home!

In a tradition started by my dear friend, Kate’s mom, I will journal each day of our trip in a separate entry.

And since we had to wait a whole day to see sweet Danny, I’m making you wait also!

Upon returning to our house last night, I was reminded of the ruins at Pompeii where people fled in the midst of every day activities. Things happened fast around here after we received word of Pink.

Once our DNA results were submitted to the Embassy, we were told that we should expect Pink late the following week. So I was in my undefined deadline mode which is to say, I was doing very little packing. Our agency, Special Delivery also would not give us confirmation until we received Pink that we could travel to the children’s home to meet Danny. This had a major impact on packing since the children’s home, the Eagle’s Nest, is located in the highlands and can get quite chilly.

Thursday night Gordon checked his e-mail and there was our notification. Customarily, families are given seven days notice. We were given an appointment six days from notification. Once we told Special Delivery of our status, they bestowed permission to visit the Children’s Home.

As you can imagine, frantic packing ensued. We wanted to leave on Sunday (about 56 hours after we got Pink.) so that we could spend the night at Eagle’s Nest prior to returning to Guatemala City with our son.

Bags were packed we left at 4:00 am on Sunday, finally heading toward our Danny.

I’ve written a lot about this little boy. But now my Gracie gets a turn. This girl was amazing on the airplane. She settled into her seat, got out her sticker book and went to work. We were helped along by the fact that sitting next to us was a woman travelling with her small puppy. Any time Gracie got a bit loud or impatient, I reminded her that we didn’t want to bother the puppy. Humans don’t rate, but for puppies…well…

Gracie with her puppy "Quenta" and the greatest invention since sliced bread!

In Dallas, we thrilled to rides on the “flat escalator.”

I had two memorable moments on the plane:

The first was, for me, a definite sign that Josh was with us on this journey. It needs a little background: when Josh was almost exactly the age Gracie is now, we went on our Make-A-Wish trip to Chicago. We took a cab from the train station to the hotel. Midway through the ride, the dispatcher came over the radio to announce an available fare. Josh’s eyes got as big as saucers and he said in awe: “We’re in a talking car!” Gordon started to explain the whole radio thing and Josh adamantly said: “NO! We’re in a talking car!” Flash forward five years to our plan ride. The attendant came on to announce something and now it was Gracie’s turn to have big eyes as she announced: “The airplane is talking to us!!” This was all I needed to know that Josh was with us every step of the way on this journey.

Second, was the indescribable emotion I felt as we flew over Guatemala. The terrain is breathtaking. But what really got me was knowing that somewhere down there, our boy was waiting for us to come and take him home. It finally seemed this was really going to happen.

Once on the ground, after working our way through customs, immigration and baggage pick-up we were met by our driver, Edwin. I will write more about him later, but suffice it to say that he was a life saver for us. He added so much to this trip by being there with us every step of the way to navigate, translate and educate us. (If you ever need a driver in Guatemala, he is the best!)

We were deposited at the Grand Tikal hotel, destination of movie stars, presidents and, thanks to a screaming deal on hotels.com, our humble family.

So very grand!

One of Gracie’s favorite sports is hotel room exploration so needless to say we enjoyed ourselves. The only little annoyance for me was the faint beginnings of the drill bit in my right temple that signaled the immanent onset of a migraine. But there was little to dampen the thrill of realizing that the first leg of our journey was complete.

Outside: a view of Guatemala City, the beautiful mountains in the distance, and of course, the Golden Arches

Room service was just fine for us that night, and we went to bed knowing that tomorrow we would meet Danny!

P.S. Please remember to pray for Nathan A. (see side bar). His birth mother has disappeared which greatly complicates the process. His parents' arms are aching for him. Please include Nathan and his family in your prayers.

10....9....8....7....6....5....4....3....2....1

2008-07-17T23:29:00.003-05:00

PINK!!!!!

P.S. To waiting families: There is a slim chance that we can go to the Children's Home ourselves to pick Danny up. We may have time for some quick photos or video. If you'd like us to try to take some pictures of your children, please e-mail me a "permission slip" and your child's birth name so we can do this for you!

Infinity

2008-07-15T20:13:00.006-05:00

Getting closer.....

...and closer...

By complete coincidence, the titles of my next two posts are also the names of my brother’s cats: Infinity and Serendipity. (I’d like to claim to be so organized as to plan ahead for my posts. But the real truth is that I’m behind and should have posted these much sooner.)

This final agonizing wait to bring Danny home has brought to mind an early math lesson. I loved math as a kid. I loved doing long division on difficult problems and calculating things to the furthest possible decimal point. Perhaps that is why I have such vivid memories about learning about the concept of infinity: that cute little sideways 8.

To explain infinity, our teacher gave us an example of cutting the distance to a particular point in half, and in half again and again. She explained that each time the distance was cut in half, you’d be closer to the finish, but you could cut that distance in half forever and never actually get to the finish line. That’s infinity.

This wait feels exactly the same way. Milestones have been reached, we are within spitting distance of the finish line but still time seems to drag on forever.

I have a hard time believing we will ever hold our sweet boy in our arms. I think it will only be when we pull into our driveway with our family complete that I’ll be able to relax and envision the next leg of our journey together.

Our distance was cut in half again today with the wonderful news that we have a MATCH!! While we’ve been worrying about a recent report that our DNA was MIA at the lab, things have been happening and now the last hurdle before the revered “PINK” slip has been crossed.

One last word on infinity: It’s a perfect description for the never ending love I have for my sweet sweet children!

You want me to eat what?

All three kids at 9 months comtemplating a meal...

Mr. Wheel!!!

2008-06-27T16:15:00.010-05:00

It’s official, Danny is now honored with our oft mispronounced last name.

This being the web, I’m not going to reveal the proper spelling, or pronunciation of our last name. But I can tell you that more often then not, we are referred to as the “Wheel” family. A vivid memory from Gordon’s childhood is of a grade school episode where he was doing some no longer remembered bit of mischief. What he does remember is the teacher shrieking “MR. WHEEL!!!!!” And he remembers the titters of his classmates at the mangling of his last name.

I still tease Gordon that it would have been wiser to use my last name which, while often misspelled, is rarely mispronounced. Plus, we’d be further up in the alphabet (by four letters!)

But the good news is that it’s official. Danny has our last name. When we got married, we changed our middle names to my last name. So once we’re all back home, Danny will be: Daniel Isaac with our two last names. The “Isaac” was decided upon not long ago while listening to an inspiring sermon about Abraham and Sarah and their longing for a son. We can relate on many levels, not the least of which is that we’re old!

The three angels who visited told them that they would be back in a year and that at that time, Abraham and Sarah would have a son. We too, will have waited a year for this miraculous child when all is said and done. We too, consider him to be a blessing from Heaven and the answer to our prayers! We have been surrounded by angels through this entire journey in the form of all of you friends who have unwaveringly stayed at our side through all the ups and downs. I leave you with a few pictures from a few of those angels:

Danny’s are taken by a mission group currently at the children’s home (thank you Ashley!). And although we don’t personally know any of the women in the photos, we thank them from the bottom of our hearts for loving our sweet boy. You’ll also notice in Danny’s photos that he’s in the thick of an orphanage-wide battle with the Chicken Pox. We hope this pesky illness leaves all the kids alone, soon!

Gracie’s are taken by a friend who accompanied us on a recent visit to the Children’s Museum. A wonderful gift since I have very few pictures of the two of us together.

Finally, Josh’s photo, which I love, was taken by a neighbor and sent to us. So tonight’s theme is “Photos from a friend.”

Our new timeline is reflected in the side-bar. Because the agency wanted to process several cases at once, the next steps will not take place until next week.

Finally, please hold a very dear family close in your hearts and prayers. Nathan A. (See sidebar for a link) has been waiting for a birth mother interview, but the birth mother has officially disappeared. This family loves their son dearly and we hope the courts of Guatemala will see their way to finding a way to resolving this issue and bringing this sweet boy home soon. None of the rest of us adoptive families will be truly at peace until this happens.

In Memoriam

2008-06-23T15:32:00.009-05:00

In Memoriam
Jane Elizabeth Tennessen
July 4, 1962 – June 23, 1996

This post will be long, but I think it will be worth it because it’s about my sister.

Twelve long years ago my sister died in the Sandia Mountains of New Mexico. It was late at night with no one around to witness, when she and two other mountain climbers fell to their death. We did not find out until the next day that in the blink of an eye, a dear member of our family, my most trusted friend and confidant, was no longer in this world.

The pain of loss is always staggering. The pain of unexpected, sudden loss is crippling and blinding. There are no goodbyes. There is no chance to say the one thing you always wanted to say. There is no chance to provide comfort, to hold a hand or wipe a brow as someone slowly slips away. I thought, no I take that back: I knew I would never be happy again.

We were close in age, (I was 13 months older) and close as sisters. She was the first person I would have called in the face of tragedy. And in this tragedy, she was not there.

Snow buddies: 1967

Jane was a psychologist. Many people leaned on her. She did not choose a comfortable practice. She worked with some of the most vulnerable of the population. She worked with victims of cult and child abuse. She worked with women who had endured incredible sexual violence and torture. She was the clinical supervisor at the Rape Crisis Center of Santa Fe New Mexico. Her death left her clients without a trusted guide. Her death deprived many women in the future of seeking and receiving comfort and help from her.

Please don’t tell me there is a reason. I don’t need to hear that there is a reason. I trust in the love of God. I trust that God’s heart breaks at the sight of human suffering as much, if not more then those who feel the suffering directly. The greatest comfort I derive from tragedies I have lived through is the knowledge that I can hand my heart over to God and that it will be sheltered and healed until I am ready to take it back.

Each anniversary of Jane’s death brings another kind of introspection. Each year I feel something different. This year, perhaps because of what we’re going through right now in our lives, I feel some anger. I am angry at the person whose carelessness and arrogance put his two climbing partners at risk and ultimately cost them their lives. I feel deep sadness that the person I would still turn first to after twelve of being away would be my sister. I need her and she is gone.

And each anniversary brings a new awakening of an idea, a direction, a purpose for moving forward. This year is no different.

Poor College Students: 1982

As I went through my box of keepsakes, I found the sermon from the memorial service we held hear after returning from New Mexico. I spent two hours talking to a very patient man, Fr. Dale, about my sister. I introduced him to someone he never met. I celebrated her accomplishments and described the importance of her in my life and in the lives of others. My love for her must have driven me to be especially articulate in my descriptions because several days later Fr. Dale delivered a beautiful sermon. Twelve years ago, as it did when I read it today, it gave me reason to press forward.

Of course, despite my belief that I would never be happy again, I was happy again – very happy. I’ll always carry a bittersweet emptiness with each celebration. But part of each celebration is a tribute to my sister who was an earthly part of my life for nearly 33 years and continues to be with me as I move into the future.

After our last camping trip: 1992 (don't worry Mom, the tattoos are fake!)

I leave you with two things:

Fr. Dale’s moving sermon: he actually said more, but most of it was ad lib. I have the transcript he worked from and it is enough.

And a poem that came to a friend of my sister’s the day she learned of her death.

Thank you for reading, thank you for your friendship, thank you for remembering my sister, Jane Elizabeth Tennessen today.

Fr. Dale's Sermon:

“Earth’s crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God.
But only (she) who sees takes off (her) shoes.
The rest sit ‘round it and pluck blackberries.”
(Elizabeth Barrett Browning, “Aurora Leigh”)

Jane was one of those who saw – every bush, a garden, a common rock, “afire with God,” “Earth crammed with Heaven.” Not only that, of course, but more than many of us, she was able to see those whom the world would consider “least sisters and brothers,” alive with the dignity of God. By honoring the life and dignity of God in every common person, she herself was a life afire with God, a living sign of God’s goodness to so may, God’s love incarnate.

Jane seems to have died before her time. To the question “why?,” we’ll never find a satisfying answer. We can offer all sorts of clever explanations, but, in the end, when we think we’ve covered all the squares, the pain, the sense of unfairness will still be there, and we’ll have to admit once again, that we cannot control life and death.

What we can control, and the question we must now answer is not why this happened, but what we intend to do now that it has happened. If we allow ourselves to become cynical, or paralyzed, or lifeless, we do Jane no honor. But, if the death of someone we love brings us to explore the limits of our capacity for love and fidelity; if it leads us to discover the God who alone is the source of strength in a sometimes cruel world; if we are able to better see “every common bush afire with God,” then Jane’s seemingly short life will have been complete. She will have accomplished the great Christian mission, because she will have led us to greater faith, hope, and love.

“Earth’s crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God,
But only she who sees takes off her shoes…”

The lake we camped on: 1992

Katherine's Poem:

In Memory of Jane Tennessen

I come upon this mountain
Not to conquer, but to climb

To move across its craggy face
In inches
To hang my life upon the smallest bump
The ragged edges

To come to rest upon
the meanest ledges

Death is not the saddest thing,
The greatest fear

Is a life entrapped,
That makes me quake

It is the muscles never flexed,
Skin never slick with sweat

It is a passion never spent,
Fears not met

I come upon this mountain
Not to conquer, but to climb

I am a woman, climbing
I am becoming beautiful.

Katherine Eagleson – June 24, 1996

No News is Bad News

2008-06-20T14:17:00.010-05:00

Well, our case is not on track. We are now delayed by at least two weeks. The process of obtaining a Birth Certificate from Guatemala City used to be simple, and could be done in a matter of days. But the country has implemented a new, automated, streamlined system which now takes much longer.

As always, our case along with many of our friends’ seems to hit every road block. We are among the first cases to use the new system. Rumor has it that this new process can take up to a month or more to be completed.

We have been told by our agency that we will not be receiving an update until the Birth Certificate, Passport and Request for DNA are completed. So: no news is bad news…

Luckily, friends come through at exactly the right moment, and we are passing the time by enjoying some beautiful pictures taken by another mother of a child at Danny’s place. (Thanks Marianne!)

We’re told that Danny is a determined little kid and in this photo series you can see that he didn’t give up until he accomplished is goal.

As usual, the commentary is supplied by Gracie.

DANNY'S CHAIR SURPRISE

I don't know if I can reach it!!!

I'm reaching soooooooooooooooo far!

Surprise! (Sorpresa!) I'm gonna reach again!! (Otra vez!)

Ree hee hee hee hee hee hee hee eeeeaaaacccchhhh

Got it!

I'm reaching it so you can't find it.

It's soooooooooooooooo heavy.

Aloha Means Hello and Goodbye...

2008-06-09T20:50:00.004-05:00

Danny - 10.5 months

As we joyfully anticipate Danny’s arrival we are also mindful of the fact that while for us, it will be “Hello”, Danny will be saying goodbye to the only home he’s known. He will be taking a very bumpy, very long trip into the big city, something he’s done before. But this time, instead of heading home after an adventure, he will be heading “Home.”

Danny will be very close to a year when we meet him, plenty of time for habits and routines to entrench themselves. I am starting to read up on attachment and adjustment issues so that we can make his transition as smooth and as gentle as possible. I hope having an energetic toddler in his life will make him feel at least a little bit at home right away.

I am a mom, and a worrier by design, and therefore keep adding to my list even as I am checking off some of the big uncertainties of the politics of adoption. Here’s the latest list: Most of the kids in the orphanage where Danny lives have the flu. It is the rainy season it’s been raining for 10 straight days. Danny, like many of the children is taking medication for his symptoms. And he’s little; he’s such a small boy – only in the 5th percentile. I worry what any illness can do to that tiny body. The orphanage has also had an outbreak of Chicken Pox. The children have been vaccinated, but the vaccine is not as reliable for kids under the age of one. Please pray for all the children’s health as many of them prepare to head home, and others continue their wait for their forever families.

Hello and Goodbye are not the only opposite words running through my mind these days. Jubilation and sadness are also linked during this time. There are over 2000 cases yet to be finalized. We were among the first 10 cases to be approved since the PGN shut down at the beginning of May. We hope this is a trend in a positive direction!

But in the meantime, many families continue to wait. I have come to cherish the friendship of these families and to care very deeply for them and their children. It breaks my heart that they are not going to be with us in Guatemala City waiting to take their children home. Please keep these families in your hearts and your thoughts and prayers as they wait.

Thank you all for checking in today. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers and for sharing in our joy. Nothing is certain in the world of adoption, but we hope that within the next 6 weeks we will be meeting our sweet boy. I’ve listed the next steps on the sidebar.

Sweet Boy...

OUT!!

2008-06-04T14:07:00.005-05:00

March: 8 Months

I'm coming home!!!

Case approved 5/30/08!!

Stay tuned for more information...

What the.....?!

2008-05-23T19:18:00.012-05:00

My sweet girl gives me reason to smile every day.

And often I’m smiling and scratching my head at the same time.

The imagination of a toddler is a strange and wondrous place. Adult logic and sensibilities never enter the picture (thank goodness!) If I’m lucky, I am witness to the creative scene setting and I get to hear some background information. But most of the time I stumble across a gem unexpectedly.

So here, without further ado, are toddler tableaus I’ve encountered over the past few months.

Finally, Some May Flowers...

2008-05-19T18:43:00.007-05:00

After consuming mountains of chocolate and wearing a groove between the rest of the house and the office computer and tossing and turning with worry, there seems to be slightly more encouraging news coming from Guatemala this week.

There have been stories of Birth Mother’s being offered bribes to recant their adoption decision, there have been stories of 2 hour interrogations leaving Birth Mothers in tears and there has been no word of when PGN might start releasing cases again.

But this afternoon, http://www.guatadopt.com/ posted a link to a new Central Authority website that offers assurances that there is every intention of honoring the law grandfathering in cases from last year. They state that all in process adoptions that have been handled in a legal fashion will continue expeditiously. I am hoping and praying that they honor their word. So far, the actions we’ve seen lately do not seem to support this.

Time will tell.

In the meantime, I have to leave it alone for a while – I’m wearing myself down to nothing with all this worry. So I’ll leave you with pictures of my flower children. I try to take a similar themed picture of Gracie to match Danny’s from the children’s home. So here they are, stopping to smell the dandelions and the daisies. I’ve added a bonus picture of Josh at about the same age as Danny is now, enjoying the fake outdoors at the photographer’s.
Thank you as always for your prayers and kind words.

Josh: 10 months

Danny: 9.5 Months

My sweet girl: 3 years old!

Partly Cloudy...

2008-05-15T18:53:00.004-05:00

We’ve had a strange spring here in the northland. With only a handful of 70 degree days so far this year, it’s the coldest spring in over a decade. Our April showers have not yet turned to May flowers. This is the latest I can ever remember waiting for the lilacs to bloom.

Our mood is a perfect match for the weather: endless waiting for long sunny spring days. An occasional clear sky and sunshine highlights our lives, but mostly it is shivering and waiting.

During drizzly gloomy days, I read the web postings about humiliating interviews with birth mothers and raids on reputable children’s homes. My heart aches for these brave women who are subjecting themselves to cruel and insensitive questioning. I pray the children caught up in the heartless raids will not be dragged from the only home they have ever known.

And when will our sweet boy come home? We have no idea. I’m thankful that our Birth Mother’s interview is complete, but we have no clue where our case is in PGN. Who knows if and or when PGN will decide to open its doors again.

And my heart is not the only one that’s breaking. There are nearly three thousand broken hearts across this country: parents waiting and wondering.

But I am thankful for the patches of sun. Those days when we’ve been able to play outside and feel the sun gain the upper hand over the cool breezes are golden. And there are golden moments in our lives, too.

My sweet girl celebrated her third birthday this week. It was a day of undivided attention and family time. And the sun was shining! We headed to the doctor’s (no shots!); the zoo; our favorite sensory overload restaurant; a carousel ride; then home, a couple presents and bed. (OK, the bed sounds too good to be true and it is – sleep finally took over at about 9:30pm!)

Three-year-old with the wingspan of a Canada Goose!

And that’s not all. A few nights ago, a wonderful ray of sunshine sent by a friend I’ve never met but will always carry in my heart. There in my inbox were photos taken with a mother’s eye that make me smile whenever I look at them. So, here’s your ray of sunshine for the day!

(Thanks Stephanie!)

Eat...Pray...Love...

2008-05-09T18:57:00.002-05:00

This is a time when all families with children waiting in Guatemala need your prayers and your compassion. This is a time to do the same for the birth mothers of the children who wait.

It is now certain that interviews will take place with all birth mothers. I would never want to take away a chance from a woman to change her mind or to be heard. If there are women who are having second thoughts they should be heard. But the process in place is cruel and barbaric.

Birth mothers are being forced to come to the PGN building for interviews. The press is in full force as are protesters. Women who made courageous, very private choices are now being photographed for the entire world to see. The children are also being photographed. The address of one birth mother as well as the address of her biological child’s foster home was published in a local newspaper. How can this be for the good of the mothers and the children? What is there to gain in making this a public spectacle?

Today was the day that the birth mother of our son was interviewed. The report back (not from the lawyer but from the Children’s Home) was that the interview went well and that her responses were “adequate.” I hope and pray that she can put this humiliating experience behind her and I hope she can know in her heart how much we will love and care for the child she gave birth to if we are given the chance. And of course, I hope that the politicians caught up in the posturing will be moved to feel compassion for all the lives tangled up in this mess, especially the waiting children.

I hope this young woman is blessed as I am to have a network of friends who would drop everything to give a hug or encouragement when needed.

Without the love and prayers from all of you I can’t imagine finding the strength to walk this road.

Today some friends made a long drive out to my house to bestow hugs, lunch and chocolate. Gracie and I are already halfway through the first bar, but there are three left. I think this will carry us through the weekend and we’ll cross Monday’s bridge when we come to it.

Therapy: Dark Chocolate & Organic

Thank you, dear friends!

Bad Court/Good Court

2008-04-30T22:03:00.008-05:00

Here is a picture of the PGN window. The message says it all: No cases are being released.

Rumor in the blog world is that PGN is reviewing all cases in their office. First: cases will be those signed and ready for release. Next: cases that were awaiting signatures. Then: cases on the second reviewer’s desk. (All second reviewers are attorneys. All second reviewers have been fired.) From there, PGN will continue to work through cases.

There is some speculation that this preliminary review may take a month. Others hope for a quicker turn-around time. But everyone agrees: there will be delays.

Bad PGN Court. Bad!

Here is a picture of Gracie tearing up a ticket. I received it about a month ago for forgetting to renew my license tabs. I forgot to renew my tabs because I never got the renewal reminder notice. I never got the reminder notice because we moved and my address was never changed by the department of licenses. I registered my change of address with them two years ago.

I decided to take this ticket to court and beg for mercy. The fine was $105 and in addition to the cost of the license tabs.

I had my case prepared. Be humble; accept responsibility; demonstrate good faith effort to comply with the rules; parade out my excellent driving record and lack of a criminal record. (I have the notarized, validated, authenticated dossier documents to prove it!) Finally, I planned to beg for leniency while pointing out the challenges of a single-income family. The final prong of my court strategy was to bring my daughter. I resisted the temptation to smudge dirt on her face to make her look like a pathetic urchin.

I knew things were looking up when the first thing the judge said was: “Oh! What beautiful hair! Is that naturally curly hair like Sally in Charlie Brown*? Oh! My wife would love to see this. She would love hair like that!”** Sixty seconds later, after a gentle chiding: (“our notices are only a courtesy – it is your responsibility to keep your license plates current...”) my fine was waved, we learned that Grace and the judge’s grandmother share a birthday, and Gracie was ushered out with a lolly-pop and an invitation to come back and visit any time.

After the ordeals we’ve been through with the Guatemalan court system lately, I almost wept at this man’s kindness and understanding.

Good Traffic court. Good!

*It’s actually Frieda who has the naturally curly hair in Charlie Brown, but there was no way I was going to point this out!

**Although I did have a pleasant flashback to my toddler days when I heard the same thing, he was of course talking about Grace’s hair.

P.S. Thank you for your kind words, meaningful prayers, hugs, e-mails, and comments. They are boosting me up!

Surreal Saturday...

2008-04-26T18:57:00.007-05:00

April 26, 2008 - snow and buds

We woke up to snow on the ground today. With May just a few days away, this is strange even in our part of the country.

However, the weather is playing right into the surreal nature of the past week. As we waited for news from PGN (it’s been six weeks since our re-submission), disturbing events began to unfold on the Guatemalan political scene.

First, the current Attorney General (PGN is the office of the Attorney General), was removed by the new president and a new AG was appointed. The old AG has appealed the case in court.

In the meantime, the new AG has removed the Sub-Attorney General, who is the person who signs off on all adoptions. The AG has ordered an audit of all processes in PGN to get to the bottom of allegations of corruption and inefficiency.

All operations at PGN have slowed or halted completely. Even cases signed by the old Sub-AG are on hold. Adoptions are on hold pending an outcome of the court case as well as the outcome of the audit.

Today, http://www.guatadopt.com/, a very reliable source for adoptions news, reports the likelihood of the Central Authority interviewing all birth mothers again (they have already been interviewed by a social worker and signed off on the adoption four times.) The caseload of adoptions pending is over 2,000. Even though the government pledged to process cases under the old system, it seems things may change.

The last delay was two-and-a-half months. No one knows what is to come this time.

If the changes at the PGN do eliminate cronyism and corruption, this will be a very good thing for the Guatemalan people. But more delays in cases that have been evaluated and re-evaluated is not a good thing for our waiting children.

Tonight, I’m feeling very hopeless. I think the fact that April is the anniversary of Josh’s diagnosis, and the beginning of a journey that led to the loss of our son is weighing heavy on my mind as we travel another frustrating road with obstacles every step of the way.

Hopelessness doesn’t mean I’m giving up on Danny – I just feel too tired to go on. I am so so tired.

After the rollercoaster of last week, I have made myself a promise: I am going to honor my feelings. I am not going to feel guilty about feeling miserable. If I feel giddy with joy tomorrow, I’m not going to feel guilty about celebrating even in the midst of uncertainty about Danny’s future.

So tonight, I’m miserable, very sad and very very tired.

Please pray for all of us who are walking this very long and uncertain path and especially for the children who are waiting to come home.

My sweet boys:

April, 2008

April, 2003

From the Mouths of Babes...

2008-04-16T00:32:00.008-05:00

Future Teacher

Here’s what Gracie said to me the other night at dinner, apropos of nothing:

“Did you know the sun’s rays travel 93 million miles to ripen and dry the fruit that makes our bodies strong and healthy? I thought you’d be curious about that. Sun Maid is a proud sponsor of PBS Kids.”

I did not know that!! (3/29/08: thanks, Sara!!)

Somewhere a marketing rep from Sun Maid Raisins is smiling right now.

Grace watches a half-an-hour of PBS programming per day after her nap. Sometimes, we stretch it to an hour if I have a lot of work to do. Often she’s playing or doing something else while she’s watching.

So I ask you: if an almost-three-year-old can pick this up and can repeat it like an automaton, what are kids picking up when commercial television is on in the background? It’s a scary thought.

Happy Birthday CMG!! Hi-Ho-Cherrio!

Tucking in my babies

2008-04-08T21:14:00.006-05:00

There's nothing that beats the heat of a 60 degree day like ice-cream!!

Saturday was a busy day. I like to plan busy days away from the house because it keeps me from obsessively checking the computer for updates. (Our agency is closed Saturday, so this activity defies logic anyway.)

We spent the entire day at the zoo along with about 90% of the people living in our fair city. Despite the crowds, it was a beautiful day. We capped off our afternoon with an activity that may sound crazy to our new blogger friends from the south: we sat on the terrace without jackets and basked in the 60 degree sun eating ice-cream!

When we finally got home, Grace was asleep almost before her head hit the pillow. I finished my night up the way I usually do by sneaking into her room and tucking her in again and giving her sweet sleeping cheek a good-night kiss.

Ah, but the computer was calling. I couldn’t resist and logged on just to check. And there, in my first e-mail of the day was the picture you see below. This was sent from Kate’s mom (see sidebar for link), who had just returned from visiting her daughter who also lives at Danny’s Home.

For the first time since Danny was born, I got to tuck in both of my kids. Thank you, Sara for this very special gift with the perfect timing for a mother’s heart.

My night-time ritual now includes a look at this picture either before or after my good night visit to Gracie. I go to bed picturing my sweet Gracie and Danny peacefully slumbering.

Here’s the last little cool bit serendipity: I’ve had the goodnight prayer from Hansel and Gretel (the opera) running through my head. I used to love listening to it when I was a kid. Thinking of my own slumbering kids made me think of it again. When I Googled it to find the lyrics the first link to them was on the website “Adoption.com” Wow!

Children's Prayer from Hansel & Gretel
When at night I go to sleep
Fourteen angels watch do keep;
Two my head are guarding,
Two my feet are guiding;
Two are on my right hand,
Two are on my left hand,
Two who warmly cover
Two who o’er me hover,
Two to whom ‘tis given
To guide my steps to heaven

Sleeping softly, then it seems
Heaven enters in my dreams;
Angels hover round me,
Wisp’ring they have found me;
Two are sweetly singing,
Two are garlands bringing,
Stewing me with roses
As my soul reposes.
God will not forsake me
When dawn at last will wake me.

April Fools

2008-04-03T19:01:00.013-05:00

April 1, 2008

Two days later

There were a few things that caught us by surprise as April made its appearance.

The first was the weather. As you can see from the above photo (notice Josh’s T-Rex under the tree), Mother Nature surprised us with about 7 inches of snow for April 1st. That’s surprise number one.

The next surprise was Gracie telling us there was a lion in the back yard and a polar bear in the refrigerator. She kept reporting strange sightings all day just for the pleasure of seeing our surprised faces when she yelled “April Fools!”

I've just repainted the living room....April Fools!

Finally, you could say our orphanage laid an April surprise on us, too.

Let me give you uninitiated a little background: Sometime around the beginning of each month, the orphanage puts new pictures of our kids on their website. As soon as the pictures appear on the website, we get terribly excited and begin to check our e-mails for our personal copies of pictures of our kids.

This is the drill taking place all over the country: 1)Check orphanage website; 2) Troll through all blogs in our little adoption family to see if anyone has their pictures; 3) Check e-mail just in case. 4) Wait as long as you possibly can (15 minutes, more if you can stand it); 5) lather, rinse, repeat. It’s a wonder we don’t jam up the World Wide Web with our enthusiastic checking!

As you know from seeing the pictures posted here, the photos are a work of art with details lovingly attended to. It’s a treat to see what each month’s theme will be.

So naturally on March 31, I began to look for photos on the orphanage website. I checked there last thing last night and first thing this morning – nothing. So imagine my surprise when I opened my e-mail and found not one, but two sets of pictures of Danny waiting for me. What a wonderful April surprise!!

Nobody's Fool!

Case Update: As of March 14, we were back in PGN (one month to the day of our first submission.)

So tired of waiting...but life is good...

2008-03-27T22:43:00.000-05:00

Hurry up; we are ready for you, Danny!!!

This wait seems so very long. It’s strange that waiting can be so tiring but I know first hand that worrying about your children is the most exhausting thing there is.

The weeks have dragged by and the fact that this is also the fifth anniversary of the month leading up to Josh’s diagnosis hasn’t helped.

I was just putting the finishing touches on a blog of several paragraphs of “woe’s me” when I took a break to put Gracie to bed.

One story and she was out like a light. I stayed there for a while as she slept. Then just as I was getting up to leave she rolled over. Still completely asleep, but just as completely sure of where I was she snuggled herself into me nudging her head into the crook of my shoulder.

And so for tonight anyway, life is good.

Easter Sunday; 6 inches of new snow; 32 degrees outside; but our hearts are warm!

Lost in Translation...

2008-03-12T20:42:00.001-05:00

That’s going to be our theme this week.

We learned that we’ve been kicked out of PGN for a translation error on our Power of Attorney. It sounds like it’s a simple matter to fix, and we were told we’d be re-submitted by this Friday.

That pesky Power of Attorney is our undoing again! First it was lost, and now it’s got a mistake! I’m glad that this is an easy fix, but at this stage of the game every lost week hurts.

It also makes me wonder how many other little small things they’re going to kick us out for before we’re finally out for good.

I have a splitting migraine and I think the stress of this news and lack of sleep that followed are big contributing factors.

Danny, 7 months

On a lighter note, there was another little something that needed a bit more careful translation. It’s painful to admit this, but for a brief time, I didn’t recognize Danny in a photograph.

One of our wonderful friends from this nation-wide family of bloggers snapped a picture of Danny while she was visiting the Children’s Home. Her son, Nathan, is one of Danny’s roomies. I’ve even noticed that they’ve shared outfits!

Anyway, I saw the picture and didn’t think it was my boy. Too much hair. But further inspection, a facial feature analysis by another friend and a second look from momma confirms that it is indeed our little Danny. This picture was taken just after a smile. Obviously, he’s regrouping for another one!

Here’s what Amy had to say about our little boy: He was sitting in the swing and was very alert and watching everything going on around him. Two of the caregivers were sorting an enormous pile of socks as he watched. When Amy said hello to him he gave her a big smile! He was very content.

This picture was of a much higher resolution than the photos we usually receive from the Children’s Home. I must confess I blew it up large on my computer and looked at every little hair on his head. I looked at his cute little nose, his big eyes; those cute ears super close up in perfect focus. It reminds me of the scrutiny I gave each of my two previous children the first time I held them. I can hardly wait to give him the once-over in person.

In Community

2008-03-09T18:50:00.000-05:00

Danny(nller) and a few friends hanging out before their photo shoot: Early March

I consider myself pretty competent on the computer. But when it comes to riding the cutting edge of web-communication I’m a throwback.

I prefer to use the ear-piece of a phone rather than the little message screen; in fact, I’ve never text messaged in my life. I can’t even type names into my cell phone directory. Everyone ends up with extra QQQ’s or VVV’s because I can’t figure out how to get to the next letter.

But twice in my life, the high-tech world we live in has brought me into community with people I desperately need and who I never would have otherwise met.

The first of course, was the CaringBridge community of families battling their children’s cancer. The support of friends through our website as well as being able to keep in touch with others travelling the same journey was a life saver for me.

Now I find myself so very fortunate to be a part of the amazing community of families at various points in the Guatemalan Adoption Odyssey. How is it that a seemingly random group of people have changed my life and kept me on track? It’s only been about 5 months, but I feel I’ve known these families forever. It started with a Google search (yes, I can do that!) on the name of the Children’s Home where Danny lives. This brought me to one website which in turn provided links to many more. Now I have a dozen blog stops to make every day.

Granted, we don’t sit around over cups of coffee rehashing our day, but somehow we do manage to cry on each other’s shoulders. We offer hugs and celebrate milestones together. You see the public world of our websites, but I have met people who I can call at 2:00 am if I need to, and people who can read panic in an e-mail from me and will write back immediately to offer comfort and support. And I hope these same people feel they have an equally caring friend in me.

Many times it seems, too much technology and “screen time” can create a vacuum resulting in stunted personal growth. But other times the seemingly cold sterile environment of a piece of plastic with a bunch of memory chip thingies can actually spread warmth and humanity and compassion.

Thanks to all of you who visit this website, and to all of you who comment and keep us in your and prayers and who blanket the Universe with your positive healing energy and thoughts! And thanks to my community of Guatemala Adoption friends!

Once I figure out how, I will post a list of families who are travelling this road with us and who all need to be included in your thoughts and your prayers as they go down a path that continues for a lifetime.

New Pictures!

2008-03-04T21:11:00.000-06:00

The new pictures showed up in my inbox today. Gracie who has now been nice to babies too many times to count was anxious to see pictures of her baby brother.

She thought these were the funniest photos she'd ever seen, especially when we made up a little story to go with them. When we got to the end, she was laughing hysterically. We probably looked at these pictures 50 times!

Here is the story we wrote to go with these crazy pictures of our little sweetie:

Danny's Day in the Sun

Hey! What am I doing on this clothesline?!?

Oh, I get it! I'm supposed to be like laundry! That's funny!!!

OK, that was so funny! But now I'm ready to come down, please!

No, seriously! I need to come down right now! Right down there on the ground!

OK, one more time. Let me make this simple for you:

Put me down or I'll have to give you my fiercest frownie face!!!

GRRRrrrrrrr!!!!! (Even when I frown I'm cute!)

Story line and sound effects written by: Gracie

(After a long day of face painting!)

Seismic Rejoicing!

2008-02-27T19:14:00.000-06:00

Dispense with the Suspense!!

Our Valentine, Early February: 6.5 Months

That trembling of the ground you felt yesterday was not an earth quake. It was me dancing for joy over the official notice we received that we are now in PGN. After 7 months of waiting, we’re finally there!

And, given the state of my fitness program lately, my jumping up and down was probably enough to trigger a 6.0 on the Richter Scale. (That’s a whole ‘nother blog as we say here in the north!)

So, here is the word we received yesterday:

“2-21/Case was presented to PGN on Feb 14. We don’t have any idea how long they will be in there.”

We were also cautioned that rumors of quick processing were unfounded. But I’m going to try to remain optimistic. After all the delays we’ve gone through since day one, I’m hoping it’s our turn for some things to go right!

These pictures of Danny are really appropriate since we were submitted on Valentine’s Day! It almost looks like Danny knew about our good news before we did!

I’m glad the Children’s Home included the blurry picture – even out of focus, it’s a perfect depiction of his joyful giggly self!

My week has gotten better and better. Today Gracie did two more nice things for a baby! At the gym she brought a ball back to a baby who cried when it rolled away. Then later, she placed a basketball on the stroller tray of a little baby. Perhaps a bit of an oversized gift, but a beautiful gesture from a girl with an oversized heart!

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers to this point. We need you with us as we move forward now with the PGN waiting game.

Anticipation

2008-02-22T14:23:00.001-06:00

The confusion of a first Christmas, December 2007 - 5 months old

Anxiety Level: Stratosphere
Chocolate Consumption: Off the charts – to the moon and back…

I haven’t updated lately because I don’t have any official word on our case yet. I’ve been a nervous wreck. The amount of refined sugar I have consumed merits a blog post all on its own. I’ve also been dealing with a migraine with sinus and tension mixed in for good measure. I started to get a grip on myself on Monday of this week and I am focusing on the positive things that we know about our case:

The blog world reports that the Central Authority went to heroic measures, working around the clock to get all cases registered. There have been no reports of attorneys being turned away. There are certainly cases that were not registered, but these were most likely due to negligence rather then obstacles from the CA.

Our agency reported that all cases were submitted. I’m pinning my hopes on this meaning “registered.”

We also heard from our agency that as soon as our case was registered and PGN was accepting new cases, we would be submitted.

We have also heard that some cases submitted to PGN are travelling more quickly than usual through the red tape.

So, based on the facts above, we should be able to assume that our case is now in the PGN system. Of course I’ll truly only breathe easier when we have official word from our agency. We’ve been told that our attorney is now compiling updates and we will receive one soon. When that day comes, you won’t have to check my blog for an update: you’ll hear me cheering from the rooftops!

In the meantime, my sweet Gracie has been keeping me thinking positively. She has started talking about “Baby Brother” coming home. Until now, she’s been very enthusiastic about Danny, but a bit concerned about having him actually live here. She seemed to be advocating for limited custody with weekend visitation.

But suddenly, this week she has been talking about Danny coming home. What he will do when he is home, how we will take care of him. What toys he will be permitted to play with, etc.

Then today, she gave me a beautiful gift. We were playing at a local indoor rec. center with climbing tubes, ball pits, slides and other fun things for stir crazy kids. Gracie was pretending to be a bee, bringing flowers (balls) to her hive (big yellow tube.) She was busy running back and forth across the play area. In the corner was a baby, about Danny’s age. She was slumped in that immobile sitting position of the newly upright. She was miserable – every now and then letting out very audible signs of vexation. Her caregiver was preoccupied with one of the other four toddlers she was with. In one of her flower gathering trips, Gracie bee flitted past this unhappy little girl and without breaking stride, she leaned over and gently gave the baby a hug and a shoulder rub. Then she flitted off on her bee business. She repeated this again about five minutes later. I was so proud of my sweet little girl and her big sisterly ways!

We’re ready for you, Danny!

Managing expectations: I must warn you that I have just one set of photos of Danny remaining before you’ve seen them all. They are Valentine’s pictures. I’ll post them in celebration of PGN news. I suspect my massive junk food consumption is in part a subconscious reaction to the fact that I’m starved for photos. We were so spoiled by a very kind parent visiting the children’s home in December. Now we’re back into the reality of monthly photos and it’s a tough adjustment!

My sweet bee! Halloween 2007

If you don't like the weather, wait...

2008-02-13T01:00:00.000-06:00

We are just one hour away from the deadline for all in process cases to be registered at the Guatemalan Central Authority. This past week has been an absolute nightmare of good news, bad news and no news.

Here in the great white north, Saturday’s weather was a perfect analogy for the ups and downs at the CA. At eleven o’clock in the morning the temperature was a balmy 28 degrees, with no wind and snowflakes the size of silver dollars wafting through the air. It was serene and beautiful. Four hours later the wind had picked up and the temperature was approaching zero. That night, the temperatures dipped to nearly 20 below with wind chills of minus 50. It was volatile and dangerous. All in a day, and all in less then 12 hours the landscape had changed dramatically.

For the last seven days, the situation with the CA has been equally unpredictable.

On Wednesday, three original members of the CA sued to get their jobs back after having been removed by the new president. The US State Department warned parents that there were two CA’s and cases needed to be registered in both locations. However, they also mentioned that no one knew where one of the locations was. Three hours later that message mysteriously disappeared with no explanation.

Thursday, the original members resigned making way for the CA to finally open after over a month of strife and inaction. The offices were to reopen on Friday with three business days remaining until the deadline. Any previously filed paperwork had to be re-verified and refilled. The message coming from the CA was clear: cases not registered by the deadline would not be grandfathered in.

Friday the CA reopened to handle the over 3000 cases pending. Each registration consists of a four page form which includes hand prints, foot prints and a photo among other information. Each line was being checked for accuracy. There were reports that after four hours, only five attorneys had registered their cases. The CA promised to stay open through the weekend. Lines were reportedly out the door.

Saturday, rumors were rife. Speculation by an adoption advocacy agency in Guatemala was that the CA was deliberately slowing down the process so they could take over unregistered in-process cases. At the same time, there were rumors of a deadline extension.

On Sunday, we learned that the CA had stayed open until midnight on Saturday. Numbers were given to attorneys to hold their place in line. We also read that any missing information or misspelling on an application meant that the attorney had to go back and correct the form and get back in line before it was accepted.

On Monday we learned that only five people were conducting registrations. This means five people had to handle 12,000 pieces of paper during this process. There was also speculation that after registrations were complete and before certificates were issued, the CA was going to visit each of the 3000+ children in process.

Today we learned that registration numbers being given out were close to 2000. This left about a third of pending cases yet to be registered.

Finally, this afternoon, we received word that all cases with our attorney were “submitted”. We don’t know if this means that all were registered, or if some were rejected. Midnight is an hour away and then our fate will be sealed.

If we are fortunate enough to be registered, more waiting and uncertainty is sure to follow. After cases are registered, “constansias” will be issued. This is the certificate needed to get into the PGN process. No one knows how long this process will take.

So this has been my week. If you take each of the above paragraphs and multiply by about 100, you’ll have an idea of how often I have checked and evaluated news sources and e-mail.

As you can see from the photos above, Gracie has provided much needed comic relief. I asked her what all the animals were doing at the barn. She said that they were getting the vegetables in the wheelbarrow. And sure enough, if you look closely at the close-up photo, there is one “Little People” person being swarmed by hungry animals wanting vegetables. This is probably how those poor CA workers felt all weekend.

There is so much waiting and uncertainty ahead. I wish I could crawl into my pillowcase and sleep until the grown-ups fix all the problems. But for now, that’s something else I need to hand over to Gracie.

Thanks to all who check in on us. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers – we definitely feel them! Please also remember all the waiting families and the hard workers at the Central Authority.

How do you fall in love with a picture?

2008-02-07T19:40:00.001-06:00

Danny: 6.5 months - early February

How do you fall in love with a picture?

Of course, looking at the picture above, the more obvious answer would be another question: “How do you not fall in love?”

But I have my own answer: You don’t fall in love with a picture.

You fall in love with your child.

From the moment you sign that referral, this child is a part of you; just as much as any biological child. And you become a mother. Just as quickly and mysteriously as the day you learn you’re pregnant. With no obvious signs, no pictures, you become a fierce mamma tiger ready to protect this wee little being from any harm.

I was prepared to remain detached, to protect my heart. We have known the devestation of losing a child. International adoption is risky. The birth mother could change her mind. All these seemed good reasons to keep my distance.

But motherhood doesn’t work that way. I knew that once I held him in my arms, there would be no difference between the love I had for Danny and our two biological children. But I was completely unprepared for how my entire being would respond to this baby the minute we learned of his existence.

There is no difference between biological and adopted in the love of the waiting. This took me completely by surprise. There is no need for a moment of physical contact for mother love to take hold.

Of course my fears are different. With Josh and Gracie my waiting worries were filled with thoughts of miscarriage, tripping and falling, accidentally eating a listeria-laced piece of deli meat. With Danny it’s paperwork going missing, the tenuous state of Guatemalan politics, the tenuous state of US support for in-process adoptions.

But the love is the same. Take it from me; I’ve gone through the love of the waiting on both sides. It’s exactly the same. And this realization more then ever confirms what I’ve always believed: we were meant to be in each other’s lives. All the delays in choosing a country, getting our dossier in – they all lead us down a path that led to Danny.

With adoption, as in a pregnancy, the end result of a baby in your arms is uncertain. But I can’t hold back from loving him as only a mother can. Because I know that on some level, our Danny can feel the love we are sending his way. And anyway, he’s already imprinted on my heart forever. This is why miscarriage is so devastating to a mother. No one else can see this baby, but the bond is there already between mother and child.

So, I don’t need a picture to fall in love. Don’t get me wrong: I NEED PICTURES!! But it has more to do with my sanity, my mother’s pride and assuaging worries than it has to do with mother love.

And so my heart, without the permission of my brain, has taken a tremendous leap into unknown and risky territory. I am completely in love with this boy and I will never have any regrets for giving my heart away.

Gray days...

2008-02-04T09:13:00.000-06:00

Danny with his "Mamma" at the Children's Home (Dec.) a very loved little boy!

"Gray Day…Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves to day." -Dr. Seuss

I am so tired, so so tired.

As you know, we’ve been waiting for the newly formed Central Authority to open so our case can be “grandfathered”. Once registered, we enter the final phase of processing (PGN).

By law, cases must be registered with the CA within 30 business days of the end of the year to continue. However, the CA is completely dysfunctional. Every day we receive news of something new with the CA. Lately it has been one step forward and two steps back.

And I am so tired.

Currently, with less then 10 business days left, the CA has only been open for 4 business days. Any cases they processed are now being contested. The legality of the CA is being contested. Within the CA there is no agreement about how the registration should take place. No money has been released to run the organization and workers are not being paid.

I am just so tired.

It has been five years since we saw the first signs of Josh’s illness. I feel as if for five years I’ve been battling for my children and mostly losing.

Gracie is truly my saving grace.

With every turn of Josh’s illness, we were told: “There’s a slight chance this could be bad, but the odds are very small.” Yet, every time we heard: “don’t worry, this almost never happens,” it happened to us.

We have been on much the same road with our adoption: First, starting out in Guatemala, then being offered a program with much more certainty in Viet Nam. Then completing the Viet Nam dossier only to find out that a mistake had been made and that no children were available for adoption. Then off to Guatemala with reasonable certainty that our case would be grandfathered in. Our paperwork was flying through the system. Then our Power of Attorney was lost and along with it, three months of the process.

I am so tired.

Of course we’ll never give up on Danny. We never give up on our kids. But I’m exhausted. The roller-coaster of good news and then worse set-backs is draining me.

I want to ask: “why me?” But I know this is ridiculous. In the grand scheme of things, we are very fortunate. The vast majority of the world’s population does not have the stability and comfort that we enjoy.

In most parts of the world, Josh’s last months would have been filled with excruciating pain. Expert surgeons and pain medication prevented this. He was one of the happiest boys you’ll ever meet.

Under almost any other care situation, Danny would not have the love and attention that he has in the Children’s Home where he lives. He is clearly a loved and happy boy.

We are very blessed, I know this is true.

Yet even working through this logic makes me tired.

I long for a normal, boring life. I want to feel like, for the first time in five years, we’re moving forward as a family toward a future that we tackle together.

“On Purple Days I’m sad - I groan. I drag my tail. I walk alone.” -Dr. Seuss

Update amid confusion

2008-01-31T18:11:00.001-06:00

My Little Candy Cane: Early December - 4.5 months

Anxiety Level: slow deep breaths!

Chocolate Consumption: Daily truffle allowance. A friend brought over chocolate chip cookies with her kids. I ate five plus one partially gnawed one left over by one of the kids!

We have received our first official update of the new year. Here, with my running anxiety commentary, is what we know:

Social Worker report completed...we have social worker report. Whew! This is the piece that has been missing from our file. It did not get done back in October because our Power of Attorney had been misplaced.

We have PA (Pre Approval from Department of Homeland Security). Double Whew! This has been done since October 29th. When I had a lull in worries, I came back to this. Wondering if the delay had somehow meant that this had to be redone.

The Dossier is ready to be submitted to PGN as soon as it opens. Great! Wait...what? "as soon as it opens?"

PGN is closed for 45 days. What!?!?!? I don't know what this means. I hope it means that the PGN which has been closed for about 30 days will open again in 15 days when the Central Authority has registered all cases. But we don't know what this means. My 2am brain worries that we might be in for another 45 day wait. This would mean that we won't get into PGN until March - that's when we initially assumed we'd be bringing him home.

Our attorney is registering all cases with the Central Authority. This is good. But the turmoil surrounding the CA means that there has been no word that any cases have actually been certified or will be any time soon. The big Catch-22 is that cases not registered by 2/12 will not be grandfathered in. If the CA can't get it's act together by 2/12, none of us will know what is to become of our cases.

And there you have it. This is what we know. Gordon and I are off to a Symphony date tonight. I'm going to try to let the music wash over me and carry my worries away with it. The program is Copland's Applachian Spring, one of my favorites. 2/1: update: I was wrong, it was Tchaikovsky's violin concerto in D maj. The frenetic pace interrupted with occaisonal agnst-filled moments fit my mood perfectly! While relaxing, I'm going to keep reminding myself of two things we do know for certain: 1) Our attorney is reputed to be excellent. 2) The orphanage where Danny lives is probably bar none, one of the finest and most loving places he could be, with the exception of course of our very own home.

Whenever I get too distracted and worried, my Gracie comes up with something to make me laugh. Tonight she did it again. She picked up her little toy ukelele and said, "Mommy, I'm going to sing you a lovely song." Then she launched into a little ditty in her sweet meandering voice. It went something like this: "It's so terrible, about our oranges!" I have no idea what it means, but it was the loveliest song I've heard all day! 2/1 Update: Upon further discussion with Gracie, she feels terrible about her oranges "because I don't want to eat my mango." I'm sure this provides the clarification you were hoping for.

Murphy's Law

2008-01-26T13:15:00.000-06:00

Early November, 3.5 months old

Anxiety level: fair to middling

Chocolate Consumption: The chocolate is gone. I may have to resort to spoonfuls of Nestle's Quik

We have no update. We haven't heard from our agency since the end of the year and the newly formed Central Authority appears to be in turmoil.

This situation is not in my control. This is the first time in my life as a parent when I haven't been able to do something for a child of mine. Through Josh's illness, I could always be there to comfort him and make him laugh. I can pick Gracie up and give her a hug anytime she needs one. Danny is so far away. It seems there is nothing I can do.

So, I've resorted to gaming Murphy's Law.

Now I'm not a superstitious person. I don't believe in magic spells or crystal balls. True, I toss a pinch of salt over my shoulder every once and a while, but only because Rachel Ray does this and it seems to help her with the 30 minute dinner preparation. I know from experience that those fortune cookies never hit the nail on the head. But I have a plan which at the very least will distract me.

You know how it goes: you put off scrubbing the kitchen floor for weeks (well I do anyway...) because it will only get dirty again and no sooner do you step back to admire your work then your toddler discovers a new game called "chew the blueberries and spit them on the floor." That's Murphy's Law. So I'm extending an invitation to Murphy by doing a few things which will have to be undone immediately with the arrival of a new member of the family.

Plan A: Bedroom furniture. Yes it's true: we are adults in our 40's and our mattress has been on the floor for 8 years. Both of our kids slept in our bed from about 9 months to 2 years. And when Josh got sick he came back in with us. We plan on this arrangement for Danny also. So in the interest of safety (and procrastination) our mattress has always been close to the ground. Well Gracie has been in her room for nearly a year and JC Penny was having a sale. So we took the plunge and got bedroom furniture. We feel like grown-ups with this matching furniture! Of course, we'll have to dismantle the whole thing when Danny comes home. And now that we've gone to all this trouble, he must be coming home soon right?

Plan B: Baby clothes. I have to face the painful fact that although little Danny is indeed very little, chances are that when he comes home, he will be too big for the 0 - 6 month clothes I have kept for him. I know that he will be too big for the bouncy seat. But surely, no sooner than I clear out baby clothes, he'll be here and I'll have to go out and buy more stuff, right? Murphy's Law at work again. But now this logic doesn't feel so good.

Plan C: Furniture. No, I can't do this. Not yet. I can't get rid of the exer-saucer. I can't bear to think that it won't be used by all of our children. And it gets harder: With our new bedroom furniture, there's no room for the glider. I couldn't put this into storage. Even though we won't use it until Danny is here, I have to have it close by. It's such a symbol of loving my kids. So many sleepless nights were spent in that chair singing a little one to sleep. I've got to keep this in my sight.

(photo: 2/16/01 Josh, 6 months)

So, I'm back to square one. This is not in my control. I will worry and fret every day until Danny comes home. I will search blogs and adoption forums looking for clues. Yes, I'll play mind games like trying to out-Murphy Murphy. But in the end it comes down to adding your thoughts and prayers to my own and finding the strength to make it through to the happy day when we bring our little boy home.

One last note: I think I said that fortune cookies miss the mark. Well, I stand corrected - I have on the fridge, Gracie's fortune from our last take-out meal: "You have the ability to be very persuasive." Now that one hit the nail on the head!

Ode to Joy

2008-01-22T20:41:00.001-06:00

Gingerbread House: Demolition phase January 2008

Stress Level: Medium

Chocolate Consumption: Although the chocolate is now up so high that I must use the pasta tongs to retrieve it, still 4 truffles, 1/3 cup chocolate pudding

I don't have an update on our adoption status. It appears the government has processes in place to continue with grandfathered adoptions. How all this impacts our case is still an unknown to us.

I am used to being an active advocate for my children. Sitting on the sidelines waiting for word is extremely difficult. Even in our darkest moments with Josh's illness, we managed to find reasons to hope and reasons to celebrate joy on a daily, almost minute-by-minute basis. I need to get that back.

As so often happens, right in my path was a nudge in that direction. I caught a glimpse of the front of the Christmas card from our dear friend Father Michael: "I know well the plans I have in mind for you says the Lord. Plans for your well being. Plans to give you a future full of Hope." Jeremiah 29:11.

Now this is a prayer I can get behind. I know I can ask for hope and I will find it. I know I can ask for Joy and I will feel it. Here's another thing I know: God is not Santa Claus. I know from experience that good material stuff is not given to the good and withheld from the naughty.

During Josh's illness, prayer was often a dilemma. How could we ask God to look at a sea of suffering children on this earth and bypass others to pick our son to heal? This doesn't mean I didn't ask. I prayed, pleaded, bargained, beseeched, I got mad, I got humble, I yelled, I threatened. And what did I get? I got peace. When I sat alone in the consulting room after getting the news that Josh had relapsed and released a tirade to the heavens this is the message I got: "Lay it on Me, I can take it, you can't. Give it up to Me and let it go." I got the certain knowledge that even though I might be far from perfect, no loving God would make a child suffer to punish a parent.

So, I've learned the hard way about what I can pray for with the certainty of getting: strength, love in my life, wisdom, hope and joy.

And, looking all around, I can also see that joy has been given to me before I even had to ask. It's been going on all everywhere while I've been biting my nails and inhaling chocolate. (Well OK - perhaps the chocolate is part of the joy thing.)

So, my plan for the immediate future: soak in some joyful moments. Like...Gracie nibbling at her gingerbread house when she thinks no one is looking...Gracie proudly showing me how she completely colored in gold cray-pas one of the 12X12 floor tiles in our family room...Gracie telling me she loves me "all the way out to our garage and back".

Or how's this for joy: Danny's first smile! (November)

Need more? I got more: memories of Josh hooked up to a million IV's proudly maneuvering his special bike around the hospital floor with me barely keeping up...stumbling across a spontaneous moment on video tape of Josh reaching up to hug me and saying: "I love you mommy!"

So there you have it. I can't guarantee how long it will last, but I know that it will be there when I need it: hope for the future and joy in the moment.

Another of Father Michael's pearls of wisdom. He told us that the deepest root of every prayer is simply this: "Be with me." And of course, the answer we all seek in many different ways and many different places: "You are not alone."

We are so fortunate to have caring friends from all walks of life and a beautiful diversity of spiritual practices, all of which add to the fullness of our lives. Thanks to all of you for continuing to be with us on our journey.

Pacing like a caged animal...

2008-01-17T21:58:00.000-06:00

The Pumpkin Series: Early October, 2.5 months

Anxiety level: On the high side with patches of calm

Chocolate consumption: one truffle, large chocolate mousse size of a softball: just consumed

A word about the chocolate. This is an ongoing challenge. It could be worse, I could be taking the milk money and gambling it away. But warning bells are ringing. For a special treat I bought Gracie (?) a bag of organic chocolate teddy graham crackers. For days, they sat unopened on a shelf. Then one night I thought I'd just open the bag and have a handful. This led to several handfuls. The next day I found myself facing the bag, unsupervised, at nap time. So...well... just a couple handfuls. The rest would be for Gracie. That afternoon, when I went to get some for Gracie, there were literally 10 little sad chocolate bears left. I had eaten my sweet baby's entire bag of cookies! Well, really - is it so bad? The bag says eight servings, and that's for kids, right? So, technically it's what - four adult servings which I managed to spread out over two days. And anyway, I don't want her to get too hooked on chocolate!

Maybe it's the sugar, or maybe it's the waiting and the unknowns, or maybe it's a combination of both. But either way I'm pacing this house like a caged animal. I find myself distracted to the point of being completely unproductive during the day:

Pace: check voice mail for message from agency; check e-mails for update from agency. Ponder: The good news is that we have every reason to believe that our case is far enough along in the process to be grandfathered in. Yet... I worry that the delays we've experienced may mean that other paperwork has been lost in the shuffle and that we face even more delays.

Pace: run through blogs of other adopting families to see if they've received updates and pictures; call a friend to rehash our situation. Ponder: The good news, the Guatemalan Central Authority has been established and grandfathered cases can now be registered! Yet...I worry, if our attorney registers cases this week, and our case needs a few more things completed before it can be registered, will he forget to register our case?

Pace: check adoption forums for any news; check on Gracie, feel like a neglectful parent. Ponder: literally 24 hours after the Central Authority was formed, it was put on hold pending new appointments by the freshly sworn-in president of Guatemala. I worry...will cases ever begin to move forward again?

Pace: check orphanage website for any new photos. Ponder: oh joy! pictures! Oh dear, is he happy, it looks like he can support his head, did he gain enough weight?

Check on Gracie. She's sitting in a corner arranging her toy animals by genus and species and marching them in an imaginary parade. Burst into tears feeling bad about leaving Gracie with no one to play with.

Work self into a lather, repeat.

Crossroads

2008-01-13T21:37:00.001-06:00

This January, we are at a crossroads. Josh was 32 months old when he was diagnosed. Gracie is now 32 months old. For the first time as parents we face uncharted waters with Grace. As she moves forward from this point, she is healthy and pain free. Our experience with an almost three-year-old is limited to dealing with growing and learning along with illness.

Josh never stopped learning and growing cognitively. But his physical growth and strength slowed down quite a bit. He couldn't walk unaided, he couldn't jump or kick a ball. Gracie can do all these things. Josh had to grow up way too fast. He lived in a world of infections, fevers, extreme fatigue and weakness, blood counts and chemotherapy. He spent more time with adults then children of his own age. Gracie's world is much different. She can freely cavort with friends with no worries of catching a bug that can turn into a life threatening infection.

In many other ways, this brother and sister are wonderfully similar. The picture above depicts a favorite game of both of them: hatching from an egg made of pillows. Both of them wake up talking and don't stop until they pass out from exhaustion at the end of the day.

But when I look at the contrast of the lives of these two joyful 32 month-old children I feel a new sadness that I hadn't expected. I have a longing for Josh to have been able to continue the carefree life that Gracie is able to lead. I feel angry and resentful that he missed out on so much. I have to remind myself that just as we as parents didn't know what we were missing, Josh didn't either. His life was simply what it was, and it never stopped him from finding joy in each new moment.

But still...here are Josh and Gracie at the same age ready for bed. She's just finished doing somersaults among the bed clothes, he's lying in a hospital bed, recovering from back-to-back surgeries.

My sweet babies. I look at Gracie and I want a lifetime of happiness and love for her. I look at Josh and my heart breaks for the things he missed. It breaks for the things I missed. What would he be doing now? This kid who was fascinated with skateboards at the age of 18 months.

Where would his interest in music have taken him - already at nearly three, he could listen to a song once and repeat it back in perfect pitch. Would he still love dinosaurs? Would he and Gracie compliment each other's storytelling ability and imaginations?

I have just a few precious months left before Gracie plunges forward into childhood years that will be completely new to both of us. As I'm learning, it will also be a crossroads for me. I'll be moving away from a grief that I've grown familiar with, one with very few unexpected twists and turns. This new road is scary and sad. But I gain a lot of strength from the lessons of my children. Both of them have taught me that the best way to greet a new day is to look for the joy and fun that are sure to be there around the next corner. I'll be clinging tightly to this lesson in the months to come.

I see babies everywhere they're not...

2008-01-09T15:21:00.000-06:00

Mid-September, almost 2 months old

Stress level: currently avoiding the issue

Chocolate consumption: 1/3 cup chocolate covered raisins, two handfuls of chocolate teddy bear crackers (organic!)

When Josh was three, he finally came around to our idea of adding to our family. He started talking about what to name a baby sister. I tossed out a number of suggestions including the name "Dorothy", this seemed perfect. It was my grandmother's name and also of course Dorothy Gale from Kansas in the Wizard of Oz. Josh loved the Wizard of Oz story. To my surprise, he vetoed this suggestion. "No," he said "that's not a good name because she wouldn't be the same Dorothy!"

Maybe this is why I don't pine for Danny when I see other people's babies. It's not the same baby. So, I can ooh and aah over them, tickle them under the chin, compare them to the size that Danny might be, and move on without a pang in my heart.

But oh, when I see a baby that's not a real baby - that's what really gets me.

Harold: the one with the purple crayon - he was the first one to get under my skin. You know this kid, right? He gets away with coloring all over his walls with a purple crayon, corrupting artistic toddlers everywhere. The other night, we were watching a "Harold" video with Gracie and all of the sudden, he got to me. Those cute blue footie pj's so loose and baggy. This tiny bald boy with the upturned nose and a crayon as big as his arm. Suddenly I started feeling the emptiness of my arms. I yearned for my little boy.

I was bowled over again a couple of nights later. Gordon and I were watching the video "Planet Earth." (Again with the TV!) There were two little polar bears just digging out of their den in the snow for the first time. Two cute little bundles of loose soft fur with the biggest, roundest dark eyes imaginable. They were staggering around on their untested limbs, wobbling and falling in the snow. At first, I couldn't figure out what the tug at my heartstrings was all about. Everybody loves baby animals. But it was bigger than that - I wanted to snuggle with a cuddly, wiggly little somebody brand new to the world.

Now it's mid-day. Gracie is snuggled in bed for a nap. I'm taking a moment to catch my breath, sitting on the sofa, watching the world out the window, listening to the clocks tick. I'm remembering the many times I sat just like this with a slumbering baby in my arms. Oh the joy! A million things to do, and no reason to do any of them because the most important thing is sitting, watching eyelids flutter, listening to peaceful breathing and feeling that relaxed trusting slumber. I want that feeling of offering my arms as a haven for complete safety. I want that timeless feeling of watching the world carry on with it's bustle knowing we're here in our untouchable bubble that, in this moment, is timeless.

This is where I see my son: a cartoon, a fuzzy baby animal and an empty lap, and in countless other unlikely places and things that I bump into every day. Who knew that a handful of photographs, and a name could steal my heart. How could I ever have imagined that the yearning to have him safe in my arms would be so strong that my heart breaks into a million pieces for every day of his life that I miss?

The future is very uncertain. I know this. We have first hand experience in this. Perhaps this is why the longing to bring him home is so great. We know we will never give up on this boy, but when we can bring him home remains a mystery. And while we wait, I'll keep seeing babies everywhere there are no babies.

And as most of you know, Josh did finally come up with a name for a baby sister. Hours after our initial conversation, he was reading a book about snakes. "Snakes are gross," he said. "Hey, Gross, that would be a great name for a baby sister!" Of course, being the positively reinforcing mother that I am, I complimented him on his choice and suggested a variation of "Grace." "OK." he said, and resumed his reading. And what a great name that has been: Grace meaning "freely given love of God." And of course, the highest compliment from a three-year-old boy: being named after a cool reptile!