How do you fall in love with a picture?

Danny: 6.5 months - early February

How do you fall in love with a picture?

Of course, looking at the picture above, the more obvious answer would be another question: “How do you not fall in love?”

But I have my own answer: You don’t fall in love with a picture.

You fall in love with your child.

From the moment you sign that referral, this child is a part of you; just as much as any biological child. And you become a mother. Just as quickly and mysteriously as the day you learn you’re pregnant. With no obvious signs, no pictures, you become a fierce mamma tiger ready to protect this wee little being from any harm.

I was prepared to remain detached, to protect my heart. We have known the devestation of losing a child. International adoption is risky. The birth mother could change her mind. All these seemed good reasons to keep my distance.

But motherhood doesn’t work that way. I knew that once I held him in my arms, there would be no difference between the love I had for Danny and our two biological children. But I was completely unprepared for how my entire being would respond to this baby the minute we learned of his existence.

There is no difference between biological and adopted in the love of the waiting. This took me completely by surprise. There is no need for a moment of physical contact for mother love to take hold.

Of course my fears are different. With Josh and Gracie my waiting worries were filled with thoughts of miscarriage, tripping and falling, accidentally eating a listeria-laced piece of deli meat. With Danny it’s paperwork going missing, the tenuous state of Guatemalan politics, the tenuous state of US support for in-process adoptions.

But the love is the same. Take it from me; I’ve gone through the love of the waiting on both sides. It’s exactly the same. And this realization more then ever confirms what I’ve always believed: we were meant to be in each other’s lives. All the delays in choosing a country, getting our dossier in – they all lead us down a path that led to Danny.

With adoption, as in a pregnancy, the end result of a baby in your arms is uncertain. But I can’t hold back from loving him as only a mother can. Because I know that on some level, our Danny can feel the love we are sending his way. And anyway, he’s already imprinted on my heart forever. This is why miscarriage is so devastating to a mother. No one else can see this baby, but the bond is there already between mother and child.

So, I don’t need a picture to fall in love. Don’t get me wrong: I NEED PICTURES!! But it has more to do with my sanity, my mother’s pride and assuaging worries than it has to do with mother love.

And so my heart, without the permission of my brain, has taken a tremendous leap into unknown and risky territory. I am completely in love with this boy and I will never have any regrets for giving my heart away.