A Thoughtful End to the Week...

Dinosaur Days at the hospital always wraps up Josh’s birthday week. And as this week comes to an end, I find myself where I usually am at this time of year – at peace and in a reflective mood.

I have mixed feelings about talking about what we do at the hospital because I don’t believe in documenting one’s philanthropic works for the world to see. But this event is different because the good that we’re doing is in honor of two things that should be talked about: The incredible work that Children’s Hospital does, and the amazing inspiration for joy and goodness that Josh’s life has created. These are two things I could go on and on about.

Celebrating Dinosaur Days with 3 very special staff members. (Bad mommy confession #2452: I told Gracie: "If you don't sit and smile for a picture you won't get a dinosaur cupcake!")

As things settle down, I’ve been thinking about the genuine and truthful nature of our son, and the integrity of the professionals we met at Children’s Hospital. I’ve been comparing this to our adoption experience and the comparison is not favorable.

I have not been entirely truthful in the posts leading up to our adoption. This is because I feared that full disclosure of some of the obstacles we encountered might lead to retaliation which would in turn jeopardize Danny’s journey to our family. I am not saying that this would have happened; I don’t know that and never will. But I am saying that the environment created was not one of trust. It was one of fear.

I still have fear. I fear that those who have befriended me and are still in the process may be treated differently because of our friendship. I fear that my hopes of providing pictures of Danny to the dear mammas at the children’s home may be blocked. I hope and pray that these things will not happen.

This is not an exposé. I am not about to reveal scandalous doings worthy of a Supreme Court hearing. But things happened to us along the way that delayed our process. I desperately needed words of encouragement from the friends who read this blog. I could not seek this because I was afraid.

But I need to write about what happened to us. My CaringBridge on-line journal during Josh’s illness was brutally honest. This helped me find strength and meaning in our journey and I hope that in some small way, it helped others as well. If I am to be honest about the path we are now walking, I need to fill in the historical details about how we came to this place. If I am to share sadness or anger in the place I am now, I need to be able to talk about why I might be living with these emotions. I hope and pray that my words will not cost me the friendship of the many dear friends I have met in this process.

I hope that my honesty is helpful for parents about to embark on the journey of adoption. It is one that ultimately is worth every tear, but there are many potential problems. Awareness of these may help others avoid them. I don’t plan to mention names because our story is not unique. Better to enter into any adoption process a bit suspicious then to assume that because there are no bad stories about your agency that nothing bad will happen…

Danny’s physical presence in our family is like the missing piece in our lives that is now in place. He, Gracie and Josh have brought immeasurable joy into our lives. This is the overriding factor. However, there are a great many other emotions and issues surrounding a little boy who was basically abducted (albeit it legally) from the only home he knew for the first 12 months of his life. There are a great many issues to be resolved for a little girl whose reality of our family is of children who are absent sometimes and present sometimes.

I am not a perfect parent (oh my, not by a long-shot!) and I hope I can be honest about my failings and breakdowns during our continuing journey. I know they will contribute to some of the issues we face. But other circumstances have also contributed: good and bad. I want to be able to speak freely of these as well.

In the coming entries, I will begin filling in some of the blank spaces. I’ll also keep up the pictures of our sweet children. (On a good hair day you may also see me.)

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And now, your reward for sticking with me this far: a few pictures of our celebration of Josh’s birthday at the zoo; some images from the week; and closing words of wisdom from Gracie.

At the Zoo: You never know what will turn up in a lava tube!

Grizzly Bears up close

August 20, 2008: Happy Birthday, Josh!

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First trip to Costco: A watershed event in any child's life

Making Play-Dough is serious, serious business

When colorful, cheap, plastic crap just won't do

You know it's child #3 when parents feed him Cheetos!

On a blazing hot day, we played with ice on the lawn

Gracie (spoken with great emotion and a few tears): but I already brushed my teeth; I don’t want you to brush my teeth.

Me: But Gracie, the dentist said that children need a grown-up to brush their teeth, too.

Gracie: But I am a grown-up. I have a baby now, I am a grown-up, and I don’t need you to brush my teeth. I just need to brush my own teeth.

Me: You have a baby now?

Gracie: Yes, I have a baby, Danny is my baby. I am a grown-up now; I don’t need you to brush my teeth.