Crossroads

This January, we are at a crossroads. Josh was 32 months old when he was diagnosed. Gracie is now 32 months old. For the first time as parents we face uncharted waters with Grace. As she moves forward from this point, she is healthy and pain free. Our experience with an almost three-year-old is limited to dealing with growing and learning along with illness.

Josh never stopped learning and growing cognitively. But his physical growth and strength slowed down quite a bit. He couldn't walk unaided, he couldn't jump or kick a ball. Gracie can do all these things. Josh had to grow up way too fast. He lived in a world of infections, fevers, extreme fatigue and weakness, blood counts and chemotherapy. He spent more time with adults then children of his own age. Gracie's world is much different. She can freely cavort with friends with no worries of catching a bug that can turn into a life threatening infection.

In many other ways, this brother and sister are wonderfully similar. The picture above depicts a favorite game of both of them: hatching from an egg made of pillows. Both of them wake up talking and don't stop until they pass out from exhaustion at the end of the day.

But when I look at the contrast of the lives of these two joyful 32 month-old children I feel a new sadness that I hadn't expected. I have a longing for Josh to have been able to continue the carefree life that Gracie is able to lead. I feel angry and resentful that he missed out on so much. I have to remind myself that just as we as parents didn't know what we were missing, Josh didn't either. His life was simply what it was, and it never stopped him from finding joy in each new moment.

But still...here are Josh and Gracie at the same age ready for bed. She's just finished doing somersaults among the bed clothes, he's lying in a hospital bed, recovering from back-to-back surgeries.

My sweet babies. I look at Gracie and I want a lifetime of happiness and love for her. I look at Josh and my heart breaks for the things he missed. It breaks for the things I missed. What would he be doing now? This kid who was fascinated with skateboards at the age of 18 months.

Where would his interest in music have taken him - already at nearly three, he could listen to a song once and repeat it back in perfect pitch. Would he still love dinosaurs? Would he and Gracie compliment each other's storytelling ability and imaginations?

I have just a few precious months left before Gracie plunges forward into childhood years that will be completely new to both of us. As I'm learning, it will also be a crossroads for me. I'll be moving away from a grief that I've grown familiar with, one with very few unexpected twists and turns. This new road is scary and sad. But I gain a lot of strength from the lessons of my children. Both of them have taught me that the best way to greet a new day is to look for the joy and fun that are sure to be there around the next corner. I'll be clinging tightly to this lesson in the months to come.