I see babies everywhere they're not...

Mid-September, almost 2 months old

Stress level: currently avoiding the issue

Chocolate consumption: 1/3 cup chocolate covered raisins, two handfuls of chocolate teddy bear crackers (organic!)

When Josh was three, he finally came around to our idea of adding to our family. He started talking about what to name a baby sister. I tossed out a number of suggestions including the name "Dorothy", this seemed perfect. It was my grandmother's name and also of course Dorothy Gale from Kansas in the Wizard of Oz. Josh loved the Wizard of Oz story. To my surprise, he vetoed this suggestion. "No," he said "that's not a good name because she wouldn't be the same Dorothy!"

Maybe this is why I don't pine for Danny when I see other people's babies. It's not the same baby. So, I can ooh and aah over them, tickle them under the chin, compare them to the size that Danny might be, and move on without a pang in my heart.

But oh, when I see a baby that's not a real baby - that's what really gets me.

Harold: the one with the purple crayon - he was the first one to get under my skin. You know this kid, right? He gets away with coloring all over his walls with a purple crayon, corrupting artistic toddlers everywhere. The other night, we were watching a "Harold" video with Gracie and all of the sudden, he got to me. Those cute blue footie pj's so loose and baggy. This tiny bald boy with the upturned nose and a crayon as big as his arm. Suddenly I started feeling the emptiness of my arms. I yearned for my little boy.

I was bowled over again a couple of nights later. Gordon and I were watching the video "Planet Earth." (Again with the TV!) There were two little polar bears just digging out of their den in the snow for the first time. Two cute little bundles of loose soft fur with the biggest, roundest dark eyes imaginable. They were staggering around on their untested limbs, wobbling and falling in the snow. At first, I couldn't figure out what the tug at my heartstrings was all about. Everybody loves baby animals. But it was bigger than that - I wanted to snuggle with a cuddly, wiggly little somebody brand new to the world.

Now it's mid-day. Gracie is snuggled in bed for a nap. I'm taking a moment to catch my breath, sitting on the sofa, watching the world out the window, listening to the clocks tick. I'm remembering the many times I sat just like this with a slumbering baby in my arms. Oh the joy! A million things to do, and no reason to do any of them because the most important thing is sitting, watching eyelids flutter, listening to peaceful breathing and feeling that relaxed trusting slumber. I want that feeling of offering my arms as a haven for complete safety. I want that timeless feeling of watching the world carry on with it's bustle knowing we're here in our untouchable bubble that, in this moment, is timeless.

This is where I see my son: a cartoon, a fuzzy baby animal and an empty lap, and in countless other unlikely places and things that I bump into every day. Who knew that a handful of photographs, and a name could steal my heart. How could I ever have imagined that the yearning to have him safe in my arms would be so strong that my heart breaks into a million pieces for every day of his life that I miss?

The future is very uncertain. I know this. We have first hand experience in this. Perhaps this is why the longing to bring him home is so great. We know we will never give up on this boy, but when we can bring him home remains a mystery. And while we wait, I'll keep seeing babies everywhere there are no babies.

And as most of you know, Josh did finally come up with a name for a baby sister. Hours after our initial conversation, he was reading a book about snakes. "Snakes are gross," he said. "Hey, Gross, that would be a great name for a baby sister!" Of course, being the positively reinforcing mother that I am, I complimented him on his choice and suggested a variation of "Grace." "OK." he said, and resumed his reading. And what a great name that has been: Grace meaning "freely given love of God." And of course, the highest compliment from a three-year-old boy: being named after a cool reptile!