Ode to Joy

Gingerbread House: Demolition phase January 2008

Stress Level: Medium

Chocolate Consumption: Although the chocolate is now up so high that I must use the pasta tongs to retrieve it, still 4 truffles, 1/3 cup chocolate pudding

I don't have an update on our adoption status. It appears the government has processes in place to continue with grandfathered adoptions. How all this impacts our case is still an unknown to us.

I am used to being an active advocate for my children. Sitting on the sidelines waiting for word is extremely difficult. Even in our darkest moments with Josh's illness, we managed to find reasons to hope and reasons to celebrate joy on a daily, almost minute-by-minute basis. I need to get that back.

As so often happens, right in my path was a nudge in that direction. I caught a glimpse of the front of the Christmas card from our dear friend Father Michael: "I know well the plans I have in mind for you says the Lord. Plans for your well being. Plans to give you a future full of Hope." Jeremiah 29:11.

Now this is a prayer I can get behind. I know I can ask for hope and I will find it. I know I can ask for Joy and I will feel it. Here's another thing I know: God is not Santa Claus. I know from experience that good material stuff is not given to the good and withheld from the naughty.

During Josh's illness, prayer was often a dilemma. How could we ask God to look at a sea of suffering children on this earth and bypass others to pick our son to heal? This doesn't mean I didn't ask. I prayed, pleaded, bargained, beseeched, I got mad, I got humble, I yelled, I threatened. And what did I get? I got peace. When I sat alone in the consulting room after getting the news that Josh had relapsed and released a tirade to the heavens this is the message I got: "Lay it on Me, I can take it, you can't. Give it up to Me and let it go." I got the certain knowledge that even though I might be far from perfect, no loving God would make a child suffer to punish a parent.

So, I've learned the hard way about what I can pray for with the certainty of getting: strength, love in my life, wisdom, hope and joy.

And, looking all around, I can also see that joy has been given to me before I even had to ask. It's been going on all everywhere while I've been biting my nails and inhaling chocolate. (Well OK - perhaps the chocolate is part of the joy thing.)

So, my plan for the immediate future: soak in some joyful moments. Like...Gracie nibbling at her gingerbread house when she thinks no one is looking...Gracie proudly showing me how she completely colored in gold cray-pas one of the 12X12 floor tiles in our family room...Gracie telling me she loves me "all the way out to our garage and back".

Or how's this for joy: Danny's first smile! (November)

Need more? I got more: memories of Josh hooked up to a million IV's proudly maneuvering his special bike around the hospital floor with me barely keeping up...stumbling across a spontaneous moment on video tape of Josh reaching up to hug me and saying: "I love you mommy!"

So there you have it. I can't guarantee how long it will last, but I know that it will be there when I need it: hope for the future and joy in the moment.

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Another of Father Michael's pearls of wisdom. He told us that the deepest root of every prayer is simply this: "Be with me." And of course, the answer we all seek in many different ways and many different places: "You are not alone."

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We are so fortunate to have caring friends from all walks of life and a beautiful diversity of spiritual practices, all of which add to the fullness of our lives. Thanks to all of you for continuing to be with us on our journey.