Seismic Rejoicing!

Dispense with the Suspense!!

Our Valentine, Early February: 6.5 Months

That trembling of the ground you felt yesterday was not an earth quake. It was me dancing for joy over the official notice we received that we are now in PGN. After 7 months of waiting, we’re finally there!

And, given the state of my fitness program lately, my jumping up and down was probably enough to trigger a 6.0 on the Richter Scale. (That’s a whole ‘nother blog as we say here in the north!)

So, here is the word we received yesterday:

“2-21/Case was presented to PGN on Feb 14. We don’t have any idea how long they will be in there.”

We were also cautioned that rumors of quick processing were unfounded. But I’m going to try to remain optimistic. After all the delays we’ve gone through since day one, I’m hoping it’s our turn for some things to go right!

These pictures of Danny are really appropriate since we were submitted on Valentine’s Day! It almost looks like Danny knew about our good news before we did!

I’m glad the Children’s Home included the blurry picture – even out of focus, it’s a perfect depiction of his joyful giggly self!

My week has gotten better and better. Today Gracie did two more nice things for a baby! At the gym she brought a ball back to a baby who cried when it rolled away. Then later, she placed a basketball on the stroller tray of a little baby. Perhaps a bit of an oversized gift, but a beautiful gesture from a girl with an oversized heart!

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers to this point. We need you with us as we move forward now with the PGN waiting game.

Anticipation

The confusion of a first Christmas, December 2007 - 5 months old

Anxiety Level: Stratosphere
Chocolate Consumption: Off the charts – to the moon and back…

I haven’t updated lately because I don’t have any official word on our case yet. I’ve been a nervous wreck. The amount of refined sugar I have consumed merits a blog post all on its own. I’ve also been dealing with a migraine with sinus and tension mixed in for good measure. I started to get a grip on myself on Monday of this week and I am focusing on the positive things that we know about our case:

The blog world reports that the Central Authority went to heroic measures, working around the clock to get all cases registered. There have been no reports of attorneys being turned away. There are certainly cases that were not registered, but these were most likely due to negligence rather then obstacles from the CA.

Our agency reported that all cases were submitted. I’m pinning my hopes on this meaning “registered.”

We also heard from our agency that as soon as our case was registered and PGN was accepting new cases, we would be submitted.

We have also heard that some cases submitted to PGN are travelling more quickly than usual through the red tape.

So, based on the facts above, we should be able to assume that our case is now in the PGN system. Of course I’ll truly only breathe easier when we have official word from our agency. We’ve been told that our attorney is now compiling updates and we will receive one soon. When that day comes, you won’t have to check my blog for an update: you’ll hear me cheering from the rooftops!

In the meantime, my sweet Gracie has been keeping me thinking positively. She has started talking about “Baby Brother” coming home. Until now, she’s been very enthusiastic about Danny, but a bit concerned about having him actually live here. She seemed to be advocating for limited custody with weekend visitation.

But suddenly, this week she has been talking about Danny coming home. What he will do when he is home, how we will take care of him. What toys he will be permitted to play with, etc.

Then today, she gave me a beautiful gift. We were playing at a local indoor rec. center with climbing tubes, ball pits, slides and other fun things for stir crazy kids. Gracie was pretending to be a bee, bringing flowers (balls) to her hive (big yellow tube.) She was busy running back and forth across the play area. In the corner was a baby, about Danny’s age. She was slumped in that immobile sitting position of the newly upright. She was miserable – every now and then letting out very audible signs of vexation. Her caregiver was preoccupied with one of the other four toddlers she was with. In one of her flower gathering trips, Gracie bee flitted past this unhappy little girl and without breaking stride, she leaned over and gently gave the baby a hug and a shoulder rub. Then she flitted off on her bee business. She repeated this again about five minutes later. I was so proud of my sweet little girl and her big sisterly ways!

We’re ready for you, Danny!

Managing expectations: I must warn you that I have just one set of photos of Danny remaining before you’ve seen them all. They are Valentine’s pictures. I’ll post them in celebration of PGN news. I suspect my massive junk food consumption is in part a subconscious reaction to the fact that I’m starved for photos. We were so spoiled by a very kind parent visiting the children’s home in December. Now we’re back into the reality of monthly photos and it’s a tough adjustment!

My sweet bee! Halloween 2007

If you don't like the weather, wait...

We are just one hour away from the deadline for all in process cases to be registered at the Guatemalan Central Authority. This past week has been an absolute nightmare of good news, bad news and no news.

Here in the great white north, Saturday’s weather was a perfect analogy for the ups and downs at the CA. At eleven o’clock in the morning the temperature was a balmy 28 degrees, with no wind and snowflakes the size of silver dollars wafting through the air. It was serene and beautiful. Four hours later the wind had picked up and the temperature was approaching zero. That night, the temperatures dipped to nearly 20 below with wind chills of minus 50. It was volatile and dangerous. All in a day, and all in less then 12 hours the landscape had changed dramatically.

For the last seven days, the situation with the CA has been equally unpredictable.

On Wednesday, three original members of the CA sued to get their jobs back after having been removed by the new president. The US State Department warned parents that there were two CA’s and cases needed to be registered in both locations. However, they also mentioned that no one knew where one of the locations was. Three hours later that message mysteriously disappeared with no explanation.

Thursday, the original members resigned making way for the CA to finally open after over a month of strife and inaction. The offices were to reopen on Friday with three business days remaining until the deadline. Any previously filed paperwork had to be re-verified and refilled. The message coming from the CA was clear: cases not registered by the deadline would not be grandfathered in.

Friday the CA reopened to handle the over 3000 cases pending. Each registration consists of a four page form which includes hand prints, foot prints and a photo among other information. Each line was being checked for accuracy. There were reports that after four hours, only five attorneys had registered their cases. The CA promised to stay open through the weekend. Lines were reportedly out the door.

Saturday, rumors were rife. Speculation by an adoption advocacy agency in Guatemala was that the CA was deliberately slowing down the process so they could take over unregistered in-process cases. At the same time, there were rumors of a deadline extension.

On Sunday, we learned that the CA had stayed open until midnight on Saturday. Numbers were given to attorneys to hold their place in line. We also read that any missing information or misspelling on an application meant that the attorney had to go back and correct the form and get back in line before it was accepted.

On Monday we learned that only five people were conducting registrations. This means five people had to handle 12,000 pieces of paper during this process. There was also speculation that after registrations were complete and before certificates were issued, the CA was going to visit each of the 3000+ children in process.

Today we learned that registration numbers being given out were close to 2000. This left about a third of pending cases yet to be registered.

Finally, this afternoon, we received word that all cases with our attorney were “submitted”. We don’t know if this means that all were registered, or if some were rejected. Midnight is an hour away and then our fate will be sealed.

If we are fortunate enough to be registered, more waiting and uncertainty is sure to follow. After cases are registered, “constansias” will be issued. This is the certificate needed to get into the PGN process. No one knows how long this process will take.

So this has been my week. If you take each of the above paragraphs and multiply by about 100, you’ll have an idea of how often I have checked and evaluated news sources and e-mail.

As you can see from the photos above, Gracie has provided much needed comic relief. I asked her what all the animals were doing at the barn. She said that they were getting the vegetables in the wheelbarrow. And sure enough, if you look closely at the close-up photo, there is one “Little People” person being swarmed by hungry animals wanting vegetables. This is probably how those poor CA workers felt all weekend.

There is so much waiting and uncertainty ahead. I wish I could crawl into my pillowcase and sleep until the grown-ups fix all the problems. But for now, that’s something else I need to hand over to Gracie.

Thanks to all who check in on us. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers – we definitely feel them! Please also remember all the waiting families and the hard workers at the Central Authority.

How do you fall in love with a picture?

Danny: 6.5 months - early February

How do you fall in love with a picture?

Of course, looking at the picture above, the more obvious answer would be another question: “How do you not fall in love?”

But I have my own answer: You don’t fall in love with a picture.

You fall in love with your child.

From the moment you sign that referral, this child is a part of you; just as much as any biological child. And you become a mother. Just as quickly and mysteriously as the day you learn you’re pregnant. With no obvious signs, no pictures, you become a fierce mamma tiger ready to protect this wee little being from any harm.

I was prepared to remain detached, to protect my heart. We have known the devestation of losing a child. International adoption is risky. The birth mother could change her mind. All these seemed good reasons to keep my distance.

But motherhood doesn’t work that way. I knew that once I held him in my arms, there would be no difference between the love I had for Danny and our two biological children. But I was completely unprepared for how my entire being would respond to this baby the minute we learned of his existence.

There is no difference between biological and adopted in the love of the waiting. This took me completely by surprise. There is no need for a moment of physical contact for mother love to take hold.

Of course my fears are different. With Josh and Gracie my waiting worries were filled with thoughts of miscarriage, tripping and falling, accidentally eating a listeria-laced piece of deli meat. With Danny it’s paperwork going missing, the tenuous state of Guatemalan politics, the tenuous state of US support for in-process adoptions.

But the love is the same. Take it from me; I’ve gone through the love of the waiting on both sides. It’s exactly the same. And this realization more then ever confirms what I’ve always believed: we were meant to be in each other’s lives. All the delays in choosing a country, getting our dossier in – they all lead us down a path that led to Danny.

With adoption, as in a pregnancy, the end result of a baby in your arms is uncertain. But I can’t hold back from loving him as only a mother can. Because I know that on some level, our Danny can feel the love we are sending his way. And anyway, he’s already imprinted on my heart forever. This is why miscarriage is so devastating to a mother. No one else can see this baby, but the bond is there already between mother and child.

So, I don’t need a picture to fall in love. Don’t get me wrong: I NEED PICTURES!! But it has more to do with my sanity, my mother’s pride and assuaging worries than it has to do with mother love.

And so my heart, without the permission of my brain, has taken a tremendous leap into unknown and risky territory. I am completely in love with this boy and I will never have any regrets for giving my heart away.

Gray days...

Danny with his "Mamma" at the Children's Home (Dec.) a very loved little boy!

"Gray Day…Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves to day." -Dr. Seuss

I am so tired, so so tired.

As you know, we’ve been waiting for the newly formed Central Authority to open so our case can be “grandfathered”. Once registered, we enter the final phase of processing (PGN).

By law, cases must be registered with the CA within 30 business days of the end of the year to continue. However, the CA is completely dysfunctional. Every day we receive news of something new with the CA. Lately it has been one step forward and two steps back.

And I am so tired.

Currently, with less then 10 business days left, the CA has only been open for 4 business days. Any cases they processed are now being contested. The legality of the CA is being contested. Within the CA there is no agreement about how the registration should take place. No money has been released to run the organization and workers are not being paid.

I am just so tired.

It has been five years since we saw the first signs of Josh’s illness. I feel as if for five years I’ve been battling for my children and mostly losing.

Gracie is truly my saving grace.

With every turn of Josh’s illness, we were told: “There’s a slight chance this could be bad, but the odds are very small.” Yet, every time we heard: “don’t worry, this almost never happens,” it happened to us.

We have been on much the same road with our adoption: First, starting out in Guatemala, then being offered a program with much more certainty in Viet Nam. Then completing the Viet Nam dossier only to find out that a mistake had been made and that no children were available for adoption. Then off to Guatemala with reasonable certainty that our case would be grandfathered in. Our paperwork was flying through the system. Then our Power of Attorney was lost and along with it, three months of the process.

I am so tired.

Of course we’ll never give up on Danny. We never give up on our kids. But I’m exhausted. The roller-coaster of good news and then worse set-backs is draining me.

I want to ask: “why me?” But I know this is ridiculous. In the grand scheme of things, we are very fortunate. The vast majority of the world’s population does not have the stability and comfort that we enjoy.

In most parts of the world, Josh’s last months would have been filled with excruciating pain. Expert surgeons and pain medication prevented this. He was one of the happiest boys you’ll ever meet.

Under almost any other care situation, Danny would not have the love and attention that he has in the Children’s Home where he lives. He is clearly a loved and happy boy.

We are very blessed, I know this is true.

Yet even working through this logic makes me tired.

I long for a normal, boring life. I want to feel like, for the first time in five years, we’re moving forward as a family toward a future that we tackle together.

“On Purple Days I’m sad - I groan. I drag my tail. I walk alone.” -Dr. Seuss