Gray days...

Danny with his "Mamma" at the Children's Home (Dec.) a very loved little boy!

"Gray Day…Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves to day." -Dr. Seuss

I am so tired, so so tired.

As you know, we’ve been waiting for the newly formed Central Authority to open so our case can be “grandfathered”. Once registered, we enter the final phase of processing (PGN).

By law, cases must be registered with the CA within 30 business days of the end of the year to continue. However, the CA is completely dysfunctional. Every day we receive news of something new with the CA. Lately it has been one step forward and two steps back.

And I am so tired.

Currently, with less then 10 business days left, the CA has only been open for 4 business days. Any cases they processed are now being contested. The legality of the CA is being contested. Within the CA there is no agreement about how the registration should take place. No money has been released to run the organization and workers are not being paid.

I am just so tired.

It has been five years since we saw the first signs of Josh’s illness. I feel as if for five years I’ve been battling for my children and mostly losing.

Gracie is truly my saving grace.

With every turn of Josh’s illness, we were told: “There’s a slight chance this could be bad, but the odds are very small.” Yet, every time we heard: “don’t worry, this almost never happens,” it happened to us.

We have been on much the same road with our adoption: First, starting out in Guatemala, then being offered a program with much more certainty in Viet Nam. Then completing the Viet Nam dossier only to find out that a mistake had been made and that no children were available for adoption. Then off to Guatemala with reasonable certainty that our case would be grandfathered in. Our paperwork was flying through the system. Then our Power of Attorney was lost and along with it, three months of the process.

I am so tired.

Of course we’ll never give up on Danny. We never give up on our kids. But I’m exhausted. The roller-coaster of good news and then worse set-backs is draining me.

I want to ask: “why me?” But I know this is ridiculous. In the grand scheme of things, we are very fortunate. The vast majority of the world’s population does not have the stability and comfort that we enjoy.

In most parts of the world, Josh’s last months would have been filled with excruciating pain. Expert surgeons and pain medication prevented this. He was one of the happiest boys you’ll ever meet.

Under almost any other care situation, Danny would not have the love and attention that he has in the Children’s Home where he lives. He is clearly a loved and happy boy.

We are very blessed, I know this is true.

Yet even working through this logic makes me tired.

I long for a normal, boring life. I want to feel like, for the first time in five years, we’re moving forward as a family toward a future that we tackle together.

“On Purple Days I’m sad - I groan. I drag my tail. I walk alone.” -Dr. Seuss